An Assassin and White Porsche
by Seraphim Grace
Summary: Sequel to AA&Wbaby. Crawford's greatest rival in business has arrived in town, but when it turns out to be Bruce Wayne things get complicated. (Incomplete)
1. Kill your speed, not an assassin

An Assassin and White Porsche

Part 1

* * *

Crawford had a bad feeling. He didn't want to call it a premonition, because it wasn't really, he just woke up that morning with the oddest feeling that something was going to go wrong. Of course being Oracle he didn't really pay that much attention to it, because if something was going to go wrong, he'd have a vision, wouldn't he? He washed down a pair of green painkillers with a mouthful of coffee, and contemplated his agenda for the day. He had decided after a whole month that he could un-ground Nagi, but he wasn't letting him go anywhere without a specific and detailed sex education speak. He wasn't looking forward to it, in fact he had come to the conclusion through breakfast, and then dawdling over the paper to avoid it, it was the reason for his bad feeling.

He would much rather have root canal work with no anaesthetic than have that conversation but he had had visions of both Schuldig's sex ed talk, which went along the lines of "hey babe," a leer and a handful of condoms, visions of Farfarello's sex ed talk had given Crawford grey hairs. He was half tempted to take Balinese up on his offer, then he remembered what Aya had said about that. There was nothing to do but to gird his loins and just get on it with it. Or possibly have another coffee first and then do the crossword. And then Mitsuki was on, it was entirely possible it was about cross dressing midgets that emigrated to Missouri. Maybe he could go shopping with Schuldig.

"Let the bodies hit the floor," Nagi sang along with his ipod, "let the bodies hit the floor."

Crawford swallowed the last of his coffee, "Nagi," he said quietly.

"Let the bodies hit the floor," Nagi continued blithely pulling out a carton of orange juice and pouring the liquid into a glass.

"Nagi," Crawford repeated, louder.

Nagi continued to "sing" along with his ipod.

Crawford walked up behind him and tugged the buds out of his ears, "Nagi," he said loudly.

Nagi jumped and the glass on the counter shattered. "Crawford," Nagi scolded, "don't jump up on me like that." He lifted the tea cloth and started wiping up the orange juice that had exploded with the glass. "Look at the mess."

"I didn't jump up on you," Crawford said, "you just had your ipod on full blast and couldn't hear me." He took a deep breath as Nagi put the tea cloth into the washing machine and poured himself another glass of juice. "I want to talk to you."

"Is this about that program that was on last night when you were out with Takatori, because I did tape it and then Schuldig wanted to watch that film when he came in and I don't know what he did with it."

"No," Crawford said carefully folding the paper, "it's not about that documentary, but thank you for taping it. It's about Omi."

"I'm not giving him up, I don't care if he's Weiss, you don't understand." Nagi managed that in a breathless rush.

"I'm not asking you to give him up." Crawford said patiently, "I have spoken to Esset and they've decided he has enough potential for evil that he will make a perfectly suitable boyfriend, and if you promise to behave I'll not only let you out," Nagi's large blue eyes widened and it looked like he might whoop with joy, Crawford's cup rattled. "but let you see him without a chaperone, because I know you've been using one." Crawford put his hand down on his coffee cup, "but we have to set some ground rules first." The cup stopped dancing on the saucer.

"You and I need to talk about sex." Crawford's cup shattered.

* * *

Crawford went into the office with his hand strapped up in bandages. Aya was sat waiting for him in the waiting room. He took one look at the strapped hand, "Nagi's free then." He said crossing his legs, "do you need to go to casualty or are we on for our matinee?"

"I got Farfarello to pull out the porcelain shards out of my hand, the talk went well, we lost two glasses, one cup and a window." Crawford said bending down to kiss Aya on the cheek in greeting.

"At least it was nothing more expensive." Aya said, "now I'm sure that Farfarello has plenty of practise bandaging but let me have a look. How did you actually get cut?"

"I was holding the cup down when it exploded." Crawford said, giving Aya his hand. Aya pulled back the bandages and checked the deep cuts. "It's going to scar, but you don't need stitches" he said running his fingertip over it, "I'm glad I'm not the one to have told him."

"How did it go with Omi?" Crawford said as Aya deftly wrapped his hand back up, much tighter than Farfarello had and rather than tucking it back in, as Farfarello had, he pulled out a small pocket first aid kit and took out a safety pin. "Do you always carry that with you?" He said noting the small box, it was like a sewing kit and had basic essentials like band-aids, butterfly stitches, a pair of tiny scissors and a set of safety pins, there was even a tiny bottle of iodine with a dropper. It was just big enough so it didn't look out of place in his pocket.

"I was a boy scout, it pays to be prepared."

Crawford raised an eyebrow, "so was I and I don't even keep half of this stuff in the house." He sat down next to him on the small couch, "so how did it go with Omi?"

"It went perfectly well, he knew more about it than I did, Yohji sorted it." He said, "I imagine that he and Nagi will be out by now."

"I imagine so," Crawford said, "do you think they'll behave?"

"We can only trust that they do." Aya said sagely, "did we at their age?" Crawford shook his head, "me neither, but they're much more adult than we were at that age."

A sudden burst of Chopin distracted his attention and he fished out his mobile, pretending not to notice the small anime characters that Omi had affixed to the aerial this week and flipped it open. "Fujimiya desu."

Across the room Crawford did the same with the vibrating phone in his hand, then they looked at each other. "I've got to go." They said together, "there's been an accident."

* * *

Reiji Takatori loved his car, he loved his car a lot. In fact he loved his car more than his late wife and his two adult sons. The only thing in the world he loved more than his car was his money, and it was a close call. In fact if there was a way to store his money in his car he'd love his car more. However, he didn't like his driver. Hirofumi seemed to have gotten him from lackies'r'us on a buy one get one free deal. The man kept talking to him. He made a mental note to have Schwartz eliminate him.

He was just having a rather pleasant image of meeting his daughter for supper and thereby securing himself a rather nice alibi when the car came to a sudden screeching stop that ended in a bang and he hit his head on the seat in front. "You bungling fool," Takatori said getting out of the car, "What did you hit?"

Takatori looked at the scene in front of him from outside of the car with his bungling idiot driver beside him, a large black sedan had gone into the back of his car and then when his driver had tried to stop he had hit the small bike in front knocking both passengers clear. "Don't just stand there, you bungling fool." He shouted, "call an ambulance."

"Um sir," the driver said going over to the two boys, "isn't that Mr Crawford's brother, the little one that he's freakishly over protective of?"

Takatori looked at the boy and the realisation dawned. He said the only thing one can say when they've been in a multi-vehicle pile up and he had accidentally knocked down one of his body guards. "Well, there goes my no claim discount."

* * *

Later at the magic bus hospital Aya burst in like a tornado with Crawford fast behind him. "Fujimiya-san?" The nurse said, "what's the rush, your sister is fine."

"I'm not here about my sister," he grated. "I am the legal guardian of Omi Tsukiyono, I understand he was brought in earlier."

The nurse gave him a winning smile, "certainly, Fujimiya-san, and is your friend here to see Tsukiyono-kun as well." She veritably beamed at Crawford.

"No, I'm here to see Nagi Naoe as his legal guardian."

The nurse checked her clipboard, "well isn't that convenient they were brought in together, it seems the vice prime minister of Japan knocked them down when someone ran into his car, but."

"Takatori!" Aya shouted.

"Yes, dear," the nurse said, "they're both fine, well, Nagi has a broken collar bone and some broken ribs and Tsukiyono has a broken wrist and ankle, and they both have concussions, but they can leave the hospital tomorrow, we just want to keep them in for observation."

Both men breathed a huge sigh of relief. "Thank god for that." Crawford managed, "of course I will have to have words with Mr Takatori."

"I have words for him."

"Yes, dear," the nurse said patiently, "but Shi-ne isn't really polite now, is it."

Any answer that Aya might have given was nicely cut off by Yohji's timely arrival. "Answer me, woman, where's Omi?"

"He's tucked up in bed with some jello and the television on." The nurse answered with a bright and disarming smile, "I was just bringing your friends along, Kudoh-san."

"Why does everyone here know your names?" Crawford whispered.

"Kritiker hospital." Aya whispered back. "But don't worry, they're neutral in these things. They won't poison Nagi in his sleep."

Crawford went white, "that's good to know."

"They'll just pump him full of truth serum and question him." Yohji whispered with a wicked glint in his eye.

"They won't learn anything," Crawford whispered back, "he's fifteen, even when we do tell him stuff he doesn't listen so he can shout you don't tell me anything."

"Sounds like Ken." Yohji answered to that.

"Speaking of which," Aya said, "where is Ken, you did tell him?" He asked Yohji.

"I specifically explained to Ken that Omi had been in an accident and that he was in the Magic Bus hospital. He's probably just on his way." Yohji said waving his hands about, "you know how protective of Omi Ken can get, he'll be here."

* * *

Ken walked into the hospital and up to the front desk with his helmet under his arm. The receptionist looked at him with a winning smile, chewing the end of her pencil appreciatively at the windswept young man that just walked in. "Hi, I'm looking for Omi Tsukiyono, I understand he has just been admitted here."

"Well, honey, I'll just check the records, I'm Kazumi by the way, and here's my phone number." She typed the name into the computer with one hand handing him a piece of paper with the other, "what's your name, just so I can cross reference."

"Ken." He answered.

"Well, honey, we don't appear to have an Omi Tsukiyono on the books, is she your girlfriend?"

"Oh no," Ken answered, "he's my brother."

"I'll just check again," She ran her heavily made up mouth over the end of the pencil so he could watch as she ran the search, "well, I'm sorry, honey, but we don't appear to have him here, what kind of surgery was it he wanted?"

"Omi needs surgery?" Ken yelled.

"Well, of course, honey, everyone in here needs surgery, that's why they come to the Magic Bust cosmetic hospital. Me, I had my boobs done," she lifted them to show him, "what do you think?"

"I think I might have the wrong hospital. My brother was in an accident." Ken managed to stammer.

She gave a lipsticky smile that showed her teeth, "it sure sounds like it, honey, I think you want the Magic Bus hospital." She arranged her outfit to show more of her bosom, "don't worry, honey, it happens all the time. Do you play sport?"

"soccer." Ken answered woodenly.

"Oh, and a motorcycle, I bet you have the girls hanging over you?"

"Oh no," Ken answered, "I work for a flower shop so everyone assumes I'm gay."

"And are you?" She was leaning over the counter so he could see into her bra, not that he was paying any attention to it.

"No, but thanks for your help, Kazumi, I'll just go and see my brother now."

Kazumi blinked, "hey, honey, what flower shop do you work for? You see we always need flowers for the hospital."

"The Kitten in the House." He answered. "I really need to be going now. Thank you again."

"No problem at all, honey." She said with another winning smile, "you come back now, ya hear." She watched his soccer players ass walk out watching every stitch of the tight denim with fascination, "and call me, we can totally date."

* * *

Author's Note: The normal one.

I know it's mean that Takatori ran over the chibis, but if anyone was going to do it face it and I need them postponed for now, not seriously hurt but not participating in missions.

I know the Magic Bust Cosmetic Surgery hospital is a cheap joke but I wanted to introduce Kazumi, Ken's stalker because OC or not she has a role to play.

So here follows an explanation of the characters that will appear with all legal disclaimers and some such.

* * *

Explanation (introduction) Author's note, you pick

While conferring with Trixie (author of the amazing Rattlesnakes which I super highly recommend and Nightwing yaoi fanfiction) we came to the conclusion that Anime fans don't really look at normal comics so I need a little explanation of the characters. So if you avidly read any of the comics I am borrowing from (Batman, Gotham knights, teen titans, Robin, Nightwing, Batgirl) you can skip this and go straight to chapter 2,

I'm only stealing four (though I may mention Oracle), DC, so you can breathe again, and its not like I'm making a profit from them, and I'll put them back laundered when I'm done.

First we have Batman, aka The Bat, (as the Joker calls him) Bats, or Bruce Wayne. Since I assume that you would have to be living in the congo photographing silver backed gorillas since the 1930's I'm not going into that aspect of his personality. Nevertheless he belongs to Bob Kane and not me.

Bruce Wayne - Spiffing (yes I said spiffing) american businessman with an eye for the ladies, the more evil the better as far as I can tell. Super intelligent and very very very very very rich. (the batfamily don't have super powers just a massive overdraft). The general consensus is that Batman is the dominant personality and he made up Bruce Wayne.

Second we have Nightwing, aka Dick Grayson.

I can hear you "Dick Grayson's Robin", yes, he was but Batman fired him when the tights looked a bit strange because he was eighteen and he grew up into Nightwing. The tart of the DC universe, no really. Even in canon. In fanon, if it's going he'll be in there, kind of the Yohji of superheros but with slightly better dress sense. Looks kind of like Crawford minus glasses with a pony tail. (fingers itch towards scissors), around 25 give or take.

Next we have Robin, aka Tim Drake.

The third and fifth, Robin (Robin 2 met an unfortunate end in Death in the Family and went to the big bat cave in the sky. Robin 4 was a girl, and she's in the big bat cave in the sky too), he's about sixteen (I'm not messing with that I like that, suits my agenda nicely) and super intelligent, shaping up to leader of the teen titans, umm usually paired with superboy in fanon.

Last, but definitely not least, we have Batgirl, aka Cass something or other.

Doesn't speak, kinda scary, will only be mentioned as keeping an eye on Gotham as I know next to nothign about her and well, she's a girl, and they don't fit in WKFF.

As this is a Weiss Kreuz fanfiction I have to say that there will be no spoilers to the DC universe at all beyond what I've already said, I'm putting them in another universe not the other way around, this is in the nature of the cameo appearances that have already featured in AAW, I got the idea from Kia Asamiya's Child of Dreams in a if I'm going down for this I'm taking you all with me kind of way.


	2. To be in Tokyo, thank you please

Part 2

* * *

Vice Prime Minister Reiji Takatori looked at the three young men in his office with something in the nature of awe. The oldest of the three was tall dark and broad, he looked as if he might burst out of his exquisitely tailored suit with every breath, and his secretary looked like she might faint, and if his shirt burst open like it looked like it would she would manage to shed most of her clothes and drape herself along his leg.

The second was slender rather than broad but with the same aura of strength as the larger man, with short dark hair and rather piercing eyes, he had a ready smile and reminded him in many ways of a rather happy Crawford, though he was hard pressed to say why. The man moved with a fluid grace and Takatori couldn't help but think that if, for some reason his shirt burst off then that Hirofumi would drape himself over the man's leg.

The third couldn't have been more than sixteen, with short dark hair and a rather solid stare. He looked uncomfortable in the suit, like his parents had dressed him for a funeral.

"Takatori-san, I am honoured that you could meet with us at short notice." The broad man said.

"No, the honour is mine, Wayne-san." Takatori said, "Are these your brothers?"

"no," Bruce Wayne, for it was he, said indicating the two young men, "these are my wards, this is Richard Grayson," he indicated the one that Hirofumi was now openly drooling over, "and this is Timothy Drake." The boy nodded.

"It an honour to," he stopped thinking, "be your great country, Takatori-san," he paused again, "I sorry, my Japanese is not," he stopped, "strong, I try." He screwed his face up, "I learn quick, soon fluid." He stopped again, "Am great full to my," he stopped obviously looking for the word, "sh," he stopped again, "sh."

"Shotakon," Hirofumi said from the door.

Tim's face lit up as he was supplied with what he thought was the right word. "Hai, shotakon for bringing here to meet Japan."

It looked for a second as if the one called Richard was going to contradict him, but decided against it. "Your Japanese is improving, Tim," he said with a perfectly straight face, "no one would guess you only started learning a week ago."

"Thank you please." Tim answered, "your word, Dick, does honour to my family."

"Only a week." Takatori said with real surprise, "you are very skilled to speak so fluently after only a week. Perhaps, in your time here it would be profitable for you to spend time with someone your own age with whom you could converse freely."

"Tim is very intelligent," Bruce said quietly, "he learns whatever he turns his hand to with great diligence and care." He looked at the boy with a determined stare, "in fact with hands on experience no one can question Tim's skill, not even Dick." Hirofumi managed to swallow the laugh in his throat rather well Takatori thought. Takatori did his damnedest not to smirk let alone laugh. "Although Dick is more active than Tim it is his cerebral power that is his greatest asset." Takatori was biting his lip now, "which is why I brought him to Tokyo with me."

"Really?" Takatori said, this was not the kind of conversation he expected to be having with the premier businessman in Gotham and one of the richest men in America, and a perfectly eligible bachelor although Ouka was a little too young to appeal to him, however, he looked at Tim, maybe he could offer him Nagi.

"I thought it would broaden his horizons," Bruce continued completely unaware of the subtext that Takatori and his son were sharing in view of the conversation, "and help him make friends, Tim can be quite a clingy boy, he finds it hard to make friends with people his own age."

"One of father's bodyguards has a brother about his age," Hirofumi said, "should I call Schwartz and see if Nagi-kun is available?" As his father's aide he could have this arranged quickly.

"Umm," Takatori began, "Nagi-kun is in the hospital, it seemed he was in an accident this morning, I will speak to Crawford on Master Tim's behalf to see if we can arrange a play date."

"Tim's sixteen." Dick drawled, "I hardly think it will be a "play" date."

Tim's poor Japanese denied him the pleasure of understanding that comment. Nevertheless Bruce understood it and shot Dick a warning look. "We would be grateful for such a gift, Takatori-san, you mentioned Crawford, would that be Brad Crawford?"

"Yes it is," Takatori said, "he's my bodyguard, do you know him?"

"He and I have crossed paths in the business world." Bruce said in a dark tone.

"He's the one person who can beat Bruce at the stock markets," Dick said in his typical drawl, "it's almost as if he can see the future."

Takatori coughed into his hand but said nothing.

"I would be interested if we could set up a meeting with Crawford-san, to discuss business strategies." Bruce said in a dark tone, one that rippled along Takatori's skin like ice, "if it would not inconvenience you to be without your bodyguard, Takatori-san."

"Certainly not, Wayne-san, for such an honoured guest, in fact Crawford's darling is a geisha, perhaps we can arrange a geisha party for you to meet him, for the past few months I must admit that I have hungered to meet her." Takatori said.

"The infamous Murasakiiro-sama?" Hirofumi said, "all I know about her is that she retired from the flower and willow world when Crawford became her danna." The boy's face took on a look of complete bewilderment, "patron," Hirofumi corrected himself, "we can approach her Okiya to see if she can be entreated to perform."

"Then arrange it," Takatori said, "and I will see if Nagi-kun is up to having visitors."

* * *

Omi woke up slowly in a soft bed in a white room listening to the soft puppy whiffle of someone else snoring softly. He tried to wriggle but pain shot through his arm and leg and he cried out. "Shh, sweetheart," a woman's voice said, he didn't recognise her but she wore a white nurse's uniform and had a tray in her hands, "You've been in an accident," she swept his hair back from his forehead, "you're in the Magic Bus hospital."

"What happened?" He looked around the room, in the next bed, curled around his stuffed grey donkey as much as he could with his arm in a sling Nagi was sleeping softly, he looked very tiny and delicate in the big white bed.

"Takatori-sama ran into your bike with his car," the nurse said, "and then brought the pair of you in, we had to knock you out to set your bones, but you can go home tomorrow."

"And Nagi?" He asked.

"He just hasn't woken up yet, he's just broken some ribs and his collar bone, apart from his concussion we'd let him go now, your friends have come to see you." Omi looked down and realised that he was in a pair of flannel pyjamas. "Do you want us to let them in?"

He nodded. "Can I have some water, please?"

The nurse poured him out a glass of water and when he reached for it he realised that his arm was in a soft cast. "Is it broken?" He asked, feeling a bit silly for not knowing.

"You snapped it like a twig." Aya said from the doorway, he had a huge bunch of flowers for them, "and your ankle, I'm just glad you were both wearing helmets or it might have been much worse, the next time you go out on your bike you're going out in full body armour." He looked across at Nagi, "in fact because he was behind you he got the worst of it," his face softened, "he's got to go for more x-rays because Crawford's saying he's broken his hip as well." He sat down in the chair between the beds, "now is there anything we can get you?"

"Aya," Omi began. "Is it true that the vice prime minister knocked us down?"

Aya flared into rage, "Takatori!" He shouted.

"I'll take that as true then." There were very few things in the world scarier than Aya in a full Takatori rage. "Did you bring my laptop?" He asked changing the subject.

"I did." Aya said opening the bag he had slung over his shoulder and pulled a slim line silver laptop with a huge screen.

"Thank you, Ayan," Omi gushed, "now if you can just put it on my lap," Aya did, Omi went to switch it on, "itai, itai, itai." With a long suffering roll of the eyes Aya switched the lap top on. "Do you know what I love best about you, Ayan, you listen."

"Hn," was all that Aya answered him with.

"no, Schuldig," Nagi said suddenly, "I don't wanna, I don't care if it tastes like bubble-gum." He sat up and looked around the room, for once obviously happy to be in a hospital room, then sat back with an "itai."

"Didn't they give you something for the pain?" Omi asked, genuinely concerned that his boyfriend seemed upset and in pain.

"They can't." Aya said, "Crawford explained it to the doctors, because he's a telekinetic if you drug him he can't control his gift and things go flying, they're giving him the one thing he can take."

"Which is?" Omi pressed.

"Calpol." Nagi said irritably.

Aya stifled the snigger at the mental image of a member of Schwartz pinned down whilst they spoon fed him a milky pink syrup designed for babies and tasted of bubble-gum.

"It's not that bad." Omi said.

"Yeah," Aya added, "it's sugar free."

"But it's for babies." Nagi was scowling, his black eye and strapped arm just made him look cute. "And I'm not a baby."

"You're my baby." Omi said sweetly. Nagi looked as if he might cry and Aya looked like he might retch.

"Well, come on, aka-chan," Aya said dryly pulling out a small silver package, "it's time for your medicine, and look, rather than calpol it's calprofen." Nagi's expression said plainly you can't make me, Aya's on the other hand said try me.

* * *

Author's Note:

I apologise for Robin's stinky Japanese and the cringe-worthy conversation that follows it, I figured someone had to speak it badly and the jokes I had planned for the others meant they would have to understand Japanese, he will get better, but he's doing very well for only having a week. I speak French like that, hence the joke.

I don't know if Japan has calpol, I'm not even sure America has, but calpol and it's brother calprofen were invented to make mother's happy, it's happy juice for babies, I don't know a mother that doesn't swear by it.


	3. Batman's new sidekick Sailor Moon

Part 3

* * *

Author's note

I know these normally go at the end where you can happily skip them, but it seems that there has been some confusion as to who Tim is.

So here we will go in succinct form

Batman - Bruce Wayne, Nightwing - Dick Grayson, Robin - Tim Drake

I know you're all thinking Dick Grayson is Robin, he was, he grew up and got replaced and became Nightwing. Any questions, just ask, but it's pretty simple really, and most of the jokes will come from Tim's bad Japanese rather than their secret identities.

So now, on with the show….

* * *

The streets of Tokyo were dark and dank. Two dark shadows moved through the alleys holding a large bag that they were carrying for their Yakuza bosses. "what a lovely night for a bit of light crime." One of them said. "The moon's out, not a word of Weiss, the police are busy, why I wish every night was like this."

"I know," The other said, "you can't ask for more than them just giving up their money like that."

"A perfect night," the first said again, "and that dark shadow on that building isn't in any way ominous."

"Dark shadow?" The yakuza said looking up, "that's not a shadow, it's," they dropped the bag and hugged each other, "it's…"

There was a small figure with long spread legs. "In the name of love and justice, I am…"

"Sailor Moon?" One of them said.

"I thought she retired when she got married." The other said. They pulled apart to look at the figure wryly, "she's not wearing a tiara."

"Maybe it's one of the other sailor scouts."

"I'm not Sailor Moon," the figure said in a male voice, "I'm Robin."

The two yakuza looked at each other, then at the small slender figure in the alleyway, "no, not heard of you, hang on." One of them pulled out a small pda and inputted the name. "Robin, you said." He looked up, "okay, let's see." The screen whirred for a moment before beeping to acknowledge an answer. "No, you're not in the list, are you new?"

"Super-hero three years I been." Robin said stepping into the light, he was small and slender in a pair of black tights with red pants pulled over the top that matched his red tunic and he wore a short black cape and a mask over his eyes. There was a golden R emblazoned on his chest. "Fear of America." He stammered out. "Give me." he held out a gauntlet and snatched the PDA, scanning the list. "Here," he said pointing, "I am here." He highlighted the name. "Batman next to." He frowned. "I beat you now."

The two yakuza looked at each other, "well, if you're on the list." They put the bag down, "at least, you're not Weiss."

"Not normal." Robin protested in broken Japanese. "Gotham beat first talk later." He said looking at them like they had sprouted a second head.

"We're agency." He said, "now do you want to beat us up or," he held out both hands with his wrists together, "just take us in."

Robin looked sceptical. Then zip stripped them together. "Who Weiss are?" He said looking at them as he arranged them to be arrested.

"They're the locals." The Yakuza said opening his mouth for the gag. "You're Japanese is very good for a newbie."

"It doesn't show that you learnt it from TV at all." The other said, "nice meeting you."

A second taller figure dropped into the alley way, "hey boy wonder." He said, he was broader, in a skin tight black kevlar suit with a blue dart over his shoulders and chest, a matching one over the bridge of his suit.

"Nightwing." He said in a way that didn't in any way make it sound pretentious.

"Good job, in fact it looks like they surrendered when they saw you." He looked at the two tied yakuza members. "I haven't had a lick of work all night. In fact it's almost as if the underworld is up to something." He said in English.

"You think that they're gathering to stage some kind of hostile take-over?" Robin asked in a low slow voice in perfect English.

"Or they've heard that we're jet-lagged from the flight from Gotham and are giving us an easy night." Nightwing said with an easy smile.

There was a beep, "Nightwing, Robin, report." A low gravelly voice commanded.

"So far we've only run across minor yakuza." Nightwing drawled, "the boy wonder took out two on his own."

"He is a good soldier." Batman said over the radio. The tone suggested that someone else wasn't such a good soldier. "Return to base, we can debrief there." There was a hint of amusement in his voice, "Sailor Moon."

* * *

Manx looked at the cctv footage with genuine surprise at the dark shadowy figure revealed. "Persia," she said pushing the intercom, "it's true, Batman is in the city. We will have to open plan JLA."

"Is everything in place for JLA?" He asked, his voice a disembodied entity.

"It will take until morning, sir."

"Then do it, Manx, I trust it will all go to plan, also activate Crashers for random patrol cycles." He seemed to think about it, "do we have enough Kevlar?"

"Yes, sir," she answered, "the shipment from Wayne industries was more than enough for two teams worth of suits. They will be ready for morning, I'll put both teams on high alert then."

"Queen will take the mission of alerting Crashers." Persia informed her, "make sure that Weiss know that they are non lethal, we don't want Batman mistaking them for the enemy." He sounded as if he was thinking something over, "the last thing we want is a problem within Kritiker where our men are mistaken for the villains."

"Yes, sir," she said. "and sir, I have had word that there's been an accident, that Bombay is out of action."

"Nothing serious I trust." He said.

"Just a few broken bones," she said, "perhaps you might want to send him some word." She paused worrying that she might have gone too far. "He is a good soldier, sir, and for once they were not gotten in the line of duty."

"Send the boy some flowers." Persia said.

"Sir," she protested.

"That is enough, Manx." He said.

"As you wish." Manx answered but she didn't seem happy about it at all.

* * *

Crawford looked at Farfarello and began to wonder exactly where to start. Shaking his head he looked at him, "just start at the beginning," he said.

"Well," Farfarello said, "the good news is that I didn't kill anyone."

Crawford shook his head and sipped his coffee, although that was good news he had kind of guessed, there had been no burning churches on the radio and no horde of screaming outraged mothers of Tokyo baying for the blood of the white haired gaijin that had met him more than once. "Go on."

"I was in Roppongi," He started, Crawford said nothing, "okay, I was stalking, and I saw," he stopped, "I saw," he stopped again, "I saw." He took a deep breath and emptied the carton of milk that he had in front of him, "I saw Batman."

"Again?" Crawford said, "I thought we spoke about this when we left America, Batman is not real, he is a figment of your mad imagination." He sounded weary, "sometimes I think I should be the one on medication." He said wearily, "Takatori ran over Nagi this morning, I've been back to the hospital three times in two hours, I come home to find that you are pandering to something someone told you in an insane asylum that at some point, and I missed my matinee." His voice was getting more and more steadily irate as he continued, "I don't need this, I am this close to asking Esset to transfer me out of Tokyo." He held his thumb and forefinger close enough that they were almost touching. "Now please explain to me why the apartment is covered in pilling, why Nagi's Mr Fluffy Bunny has been dismembered and why you have his googly eye stuck to your face?" True to Crawford's word there was a small plastic bubble with a black bead in it stuck to Farfarello's eye patch.

"Batman's real." Farfarello protested. "Everyone at Arkham said so, and because I was in Arkham he'll know me." He sounded almost frantic, "so I thought I'd go in disguise."

"And Mr Fluffy Bunny was a sacrifice to some dark demon to hide your identity from the big scary man-bat."

"Not Manbat," Farfarello protested. "Batman. They're different people."

Crawford crossed his arms on the table and then lowered his head unto them.

Schuldig was grinning like a loon when he came in, "you will never guess what I saw?"

"Batman?" Crawford grumbled into his arms.

"No," Schuldig said, "you spend too much time with Farfarello." He gave him a pitying look, "maybe you and Abyssinian should date more?"

Crawford raised his head and his magnum at the same time, "I am not dating Abyssinian." He snarled, "there is no Batman, and why have neither of you been to see Nagi in the hospital, let alone the heinous murder of Mr Fluffy Bunny."

"Farfarello?" Schuldig said, "break out the valium and the scotch." He and the Irish maniac flicked their eyes between each other. "I think Crawford's cracked." He lifted Crawford's mobile, "I'm calling Abyssinian."

* * *

Chopin drifted through the hospital ward waking Aya from an uncomfortable sleep, rubbing his eyes he flicked open his cell, "Fujimiya desu." He spoke quietly so he didn't wake the two chibis he was watching over. The calpol had pretty much knocked Nagi out cold and with only Aya to speak to Omi came to the conclusion it would be better if he slept as well. He had dimmed the light, using the light from the street light through the window to read his book before the soothing smell of antibiotics and detergent, a smell he associated with his sister, lulled him to sleep.

"Hiya, Ran." A male baritone said.

"Yuushi?" He asked. "Is that you? Do you have any idea what time it is?" He squinted at his watch trying to make the hands stop wobbling long enough that he could see the time.

"Yeah, it's ten to twelve, I figured you'd be up, but I'm sorry if I woke you." Yuushi sounded cheerful, which was not totally unlike him.

"I'm at the hospital." Aya stammered, "there was an accident."

"Are you okay, is everyone okay, we can come see you if you want. I mean the whole team is up anyway, we've just had the strangest briefing from Queen and well, we hardly ever talk anymore." He was rambling on, Aya answered him with a grunt, "so, who is it, not your sister was it?"

"No, it was Omi," Aya managed. "He was run over by," his tone shifted down and became much darker and more ominous "Takatori." Then his tone went back to sleepy and conversational. "So we're at the Magic Bus now. I'm sure he'll be glad to see you if you wanted to come down."

"Maybe in the morning, as you said, it's a little late." Yuushi said over the phone, "Manx will come to see you in the morning as well."

"Why?" Aya asked.

"They've started plan JLA." Yuushi said excitedly, "do you know what that means?" Yuushi hardly ever got excited like this, he was passionate but at the moment it sounded like he might burst. "We have a genuine, perfectly legitimate, one hundred percent bona fide super hero in Tokyo, a famous one, an American one. We've been given costumes and code names and all sorts of things."

"You have code names and costumes." Aya said patiently.

"Yeah, but now we have super hero code names and costumes made out of kevlar." He sounded like a kid in a candy shop, "and you have no idea how good it makes my ass look, I mean it's not a patch on Batman, but…"

"Pardon?" Aya interrupted.

"What?" Caught off guard Yuushi had lost his stream of thought and forgotten what he was talking about.

"You said Batman." Aya said patiently. "I thought he was a myth, something they made up to scare American petty criminals."

"Queen had footage of him breaking up an attack, wow, he was like all feet and snapping cape and pointy cowl ears, and well," he stopped for breath, "I have never seen anyone beat up petty criminals like that, I mean it was like poetry in motion, and he only used these frisbee things at the start, and there was this other group of yakuza in Harajuku that said that they got zip-stripped by Sailor Moon but…"

"Pardon." Aya interrupted again.

"Well, it wasn't Sailor Moon but some boy pretending to be her, I mean no one's heard from her in ten years or so, well since she got married, I hear she has a kid now, anyway, Kritiker's giving us full body armour, and we're to go on random patrol and…"

"Yuushi." Ran interrupted.

"Yes, Ran."

"It's getting late and I don't have a lot of charge, how about you call around the hospital in the morning and we can discuss this like adults over cups of tea and breakfast."

After a pained and uncomfortable silence Yuushi spoke up again, "okay, I'll be around to see Omi in the morning, around nine or so, and Ran," Aya could hear his smile down the phone, "I'll bring my car so we can take him home, nothing against your precious wheels, but if Omi's banged up bad enough that they are keeping him overnight there might be more room in my car than yours."

"Thanks, Yuushi. You're a true friend." Although it sounded stilted it was clear that it meant a lot to Yuushi to be told that. In their time through Crashers he and Yuushi had fought like cats and dogs, but nevertheless he knew that Yuushi was a true friend regardless. "I'll see you in the morning and you can tell me all about your new costume, Oyasumi, Yuushi."

"Oyasumi, Ran."


	4. Why you must never ever wake Aya

Part 4

* * *

(Or why you must never, ever, ever wake Aya.)

* * *

Yuushi walked into the hospital with a bunch of flowers almost as big as he was and walked up to the desk. "Hi, I'm looking for Aya Fujimiya."

The nurse looked up at him, then looked at her clipboard. Then she squinted at him. "She's on the third floor."

"Yuushi," Yohji said as he came in, "you brought Omi flowers."

"No," Yuushi said, "they're for a friend," he handed them to the nurse, "can you put these in her room for her please," he gave the nurse a winning smile that was completely wasted on her, "thank you."

She took the flowers with a frown muttering the words "I'm a nurse not a florist" under her breath.

"I'll take you into see Omi," Yohji said watching the nurse leave with a worried glance, "and away from the scary Kritiker nurses." He looked at Yuushi critically, "I haven't seen you in ages and ages," he said, "how are the rest of you? And don't say anything incriminating in there, Omi's sharing a room with his boyfriend."

"But he's only a baby." Yuushi protested. "He's practically still in diapers, what is he now, twelve, thirteen?."

"He's seventeen now," Yohji said, "or is he eighteen now," he thought about it, "no, he's seventeen, I'm sure of it," he stopped outside the door, "I'll ask Aya, he'll know." He leant against the door, "As soon as I'm not in front of Omi, okay."

Yuushi just nodded and decided to back away slowly.

* * *

In the shadow of the window Aya slept, sitting up in bed with their laptops open two teenaged hackers were typing furiously, well one handed. One was left handed, and the other right handed as a cast and the other in a sling. Both looked like they had come off worse in the fight with the car that had hit them, scuffed, bruised and bandaged. When Yohji opened the door Omi's hand left the keyboard and pressed his index finger to his lip and shushed him.

"Aya's asleep." Nagi hissed, "be quiet."

"Wotcha doing?" Yuushi said, coming in. "Hacking the defence grid?"

Nagi just smirked. Then clicked a button.

"You sank my battleship." Omi said despondently.

The nurse bustled in and opened the blinds, then jumped back in horror at the katana that had not only mysteriously appeared but pressed itself against her throat. "Shi-ne," he murmured, one eye was open, the other glued shut with sleep and there was a line of drool down his chin.

"Glad to see that that didn't change." Yuushi said, "hi," he said to Nagi, "I'm Yuushi, me and Omi go way back."

"Hey, Yuushi," Omi said with a grin, "thanks for coming to visit me, this is my boyfriend, Nagi Naoe."

"Do you know that name sounds familiar," Yuushi told him as the nurse ran out of the room crying and Aya tried his best to work out where his potential victim was with the limited depth perception he had with one eye open and blinking furiously. "Well, pleased to meet you Nagi-chan, I'm sure the boys have told you to take good care of our little Omittchi," his tone was pleasantly conversational and then dipped low and dark as he furrowed his eyebrows together, "or else we'll take you into a back alley and dismember your stinking corpse."

"I thought Crashers was non-lethal." Nagi said brightly, closing the lid of his laptop.

"Guys," Yuushi protested, "you coulda said the kid was one of us."

"What and miss the opportunity to see you make a fool of yourself?" Yohji commented, "not a chance in hell."

"So, what group are you in?" Yuushi asked, trying to make conversation, Nagi looked at Yohji to see if it was okay to tell him whilst Aya blinked and yawned trying to wake up and realise where he was.

"Schwartz." Nagi answered.

"As in evil Schwartz that works for Esset?" Yuushi was pleasantly surprised, "what is it about the agencies that they have no respect for child labour laws? So, Nagi-chan, as you're getting out of the hospital today, do you want me to run you home as well?" He sat down on the end of the bed, "I have this huge estate car from Germany and there's plenty of room."

Aya pushed past Yohji into the corridor where a nurse squealed and ran away, it was only then Yohji realised he was still dragging his katana behind him, making the mental note never ever to wake Aya forcefully again he stood in his way, "Ayan, how about you go sit down and watch the chibis and I'll get us some coffee, ne?"

Aya looked baffled for a moment. "Okay, Yotan." And still dragging the point of the katana behind him Aya went back into the hospital room.

"Is that normal?" One of the nurses asked.

"Yeah, he's always like that when someone wakes him up." Yohji replied. "You get used to it."

"How can you get used to it?" She asked, she was more than a little scared.

"That's easy," Yohji told her with his favourite grin as he worked out that she was actually very pretty, "You don't wake him up."

* * *

Crawford came into the hospital with a small suitcase and two cups of coffee, both with lids. He looked tired, he hadn't shaved, and it was doubtful that he had slept. In fact he looked like a man on the verge of a nervous breakdown. What made the detail worse was that he was wearing jogging pants and an oversized tee shirt and he almost didn't look like Crawford at all. When Yohji first saw him he barely recognised him.

"Crawford?" He asked turning away from the pretty nurse, who's name it turned out was Tae, and looking at him as if to work out whether or not he was packing heat, or if he had the right person.

"Kudoh," Crawford growled in response.

"Are you here to pick up Nagi?" Yohji asked, "because if you don't mind me saying so, you look like death that's been stuck in the microwave for a few moments on defrost, hardly your elegant best?"

"Says the illegitimate love child of David Lee Roth and Adam Ant," Crawford snarled.

Yohji put his hands to his head and whimpered, "but I have nice hair."

"Where's Fujimiya? I need to talk to him."

"Sir," Tae began, "he's just woke up, he's a little."

"Cranky?" Crawford began, "I've run across him cranky before, I need to talk to him." He gave Yohji the best glint off his glasses he could manage, "in private."

"Well, sir, I was thinking homicidal." Tae ventured, "I'll just go and get him."

"It's a good job you brought him coffee." Yohji murmured, still holding his hair, "and I look more like a young Gavin Rossdale, I have nice hair, I do."

Crawford just glinted his glasses again and declined to comment.

* * *

Aya didn't walk into the corridor as much as lumber, like a student for a nine o'clock lecture he moved through the ancient method of pointing himself in the direction he wanted to go and leaning forward, knowing he would either walk or fall flat on his face. Crawford stopped him short by holding out a polystyrene cup, "it has two extra shots."

Aya may not have been awake enough to understand Japanese but the strange man in the glasses had offered him the food from the heavens, and he peeled back the lid and took a deep breath. The coffee forced him to blink it was that strong. "I need a favour, well two favours really" Crawford said as Aya sipped the coffee, savouring the shot of caffeine as it was delivered. "Takatori," Aya grimaced understanding that word, "has a business associate in town, Bruce Wayne, and he wants me to look after him whilst he's here, but that means I have to trust Schuldig and Farfarello to look after Nagi whilst he's sick." Aya pulled a face at that suggested. "Exactly, and Takatori wants me to speak to the lovely geisha that I am dating to arrange a party."

Aya made a gutteral noise that might have been brains.

"Sorry," Crawford said adjusting his glasses.

"Takatori," Aya repeated as the caffeine reopened neural pathways that were disrupted when he was woken suddenly from a deep sleep.

"You can't kill him yet, we still need him, but you can later, I promise." Crawford hoped that was suitably conciliatory, "so can Nagi stay with you, he's going to need a few days bedrest and I can hardly leave him with dumb and dumber."

"Hn," Aya managed.

Crawford smiled, "Thanks, and the party."

"We'll see." Aya said. "I might just use it as an excuse to kill him."

"After the night I had, I might just let you."

* * *

Author's Note

Okay in all my repeated iterations of who Batman and Robin were I kinda forgot to mention, Crashers will be in this story, so I'm blathering on and didn't introduce you. We have Reiichi - Bishop, their leader, Masato - Rook, Yuushi - Knight and Naru - pawn. They call Persia King and their secretary is Queen. They are characters from an earlier version of Weiss called Crashers Knight and Ran which shows Ran Fujimiya as a member of Kritiker, standing in for Rook as the Red Rook, he left for reasons unknown which vary in fanon from didn't settle, killed someone, took the blame for someone else killing someone, to they all died. In my version he just got plain promoted. Nothing fancy. With information gleaned from the internet Ran has been in three groups, one which was in Sendai where they were betrayed from within (this is where he learned ikebana) Crashers (short for Party Crashers, they actually appear in Gluhen by the way) and then Weiss 3. All straight. As I said, any questions, just ask me, and if I don't know, I'll find out.


	5. Costcutting and kevlar

Part 5

* * *

Manx looked around the room at the three shadowy men that stood in the dark. "Where is Omi?" She said, sitting down on the large box that she had brought with her, stretching out her long pale legs in such a way that her white sock fell fetchingly around her ankle.

"He's upstairs, asleep." Aya answered.

"Is he okay?" Manx asked softly, she actually sounded concerned.

"Just a little banged up, Manx honey," Yohji said, "he's only sleeping because of the meds, just a few broken bones. He'll be fine, he'll just have to sit this one out." He leaned forward, "have I said how lovely you look this afternoon?"

"Three times." Manx answered wryly. "Well if Bombay isn't going to join us, I'll just start with the briefing, it's a bit rushed, so I don't have a video." She stood up and opened the box, handing each of them a large package, wrapped in brown paper and string. "Due to outside intervention Kritiker has applied operation JLA, what that means is rather than going out and hunting dark beasts we're setting all of our active teams on random patrol, in those packages you will find new uniforms and whilst Batman," she said the name with a trace of venom.

"He's not real." Aya interrupted. "They made him up to scare Americans."

"He's real." Manx said firmly, "and he's in Tokyo. So until he goes away again, you're being downgraded to non lethal, more or less, we want you to go out, stop minor crime."

Ken had opened his parcel and held out what looked like a cat suit. "And you want us to wear these?"

"They're kevlar." Manx answered, "not enough to outright stop a bullet at point blank but some armour, as you can see it's as flexible as spandex. There is also a mask for each of you."

Aya opened his to reveal a white chevron over one shoulder, "what the hell is this?" He asked, "is there something you should be telling us, Manx?"

"The suits were kind of expensive." She said with a little smirk, "so we had to get a little corporate sponsorship."

Aya looked horrified, "and who's sponsoring me? Rightguard, Tokyo's going to think I have body odour."

Yohji sniggered but said nothing.

"No, Abyssinian, you are sponsored by Nike." She said, "you should be grateful, Siberian was very nearly sponsored by cup'o'ramen." Yohji sniggered again. "Instead Birman managed to arrange that you all got sponsored by Nike, the rest of you just have the tick sign on your feet but whilst Batman," she managed to keep her tone even and even conversational but when she said that name it was with venom, "is in town you are all going to have your own super hero identities." Aya groaned and lowered his head.

"Abyssinian, you will be Shiroi Tsubasa." She said looking at the costume he had sprawled over his lap, "hence you have the chevron where it can be seen, because we've downgraded you to non lethal there are non-lethal variants of your weapons here." She reached into the box and threw him a boken, as he muttered under his breath "white wing".

"Balinese, we spent a long time working out yours," she pressed her lips together as if swallowing a grin. "You are going to be Shiroi Kumo."

"The white spider!" He asked indignant. "I'm too attractive to be a spider."

Ken had his fist pressed into his mouth and was keeping quiet. "We were going to have Omi as Shiroi Usagi," a squeak escaped the fist and Ken was going blue at the thought of Omi as the white rabbit, "but we'll have to put that on hold after the accident, "and you Siberian, will be the Shiroi Mouka."

"I can live with being the white tiger." He said.

"No fair, how come he gets to be the white tiger and I get stuck being the white spider?"

Manx grinned, it was her biggest most disarming grin. "Well," she said, "you are Weiss, that does mean white." She said, sounding like she was doing her best not to laugh as Ken held his costume out, "and you use threads which suggests a spider."

"Don't worry about that," Aya protested, "I'm being sponsored by right-guard, Tokyo's going to think I smell."

"My costume's zebra print!" Ken shouted, "Shouldn't this be Youji's?"

"It's tiger print, and it's only that bit across the ribs." Manx protested, but it looked like she was about to swallow her own lips.

"You're enjoying this, aren't you?" Yohji said, crossing his arms across his chest.

"No," she said, pressing her lips together, "not at all. There are other instructions for you in the box, and you know the drill that I want photos of you in the costume for the Kritiker newsletter." She looked at Yohji, "and make sure you put on your hood."

"Hood?" Yohji said, pressing his hands to his hair, "Crawford said I had really frizzy hair and you're making me wear a hood?"

"Your hair is really distinctive." Manx said, squeezing her hands together.

"And Aya's isn't?" Yohji protested.

"No," Manx said, "not at all, there are lots of Japanese men that dye their hair red, but most women in Tokyo know your hair." Normally when she left the Koneko it was at a run looking for all the world like she was about to have a nervous breakdown, but she seemed to be enjoying this meeting, a lot.

"Are you calling me a tart?" Yohji asked with his hands on his hips.

"Not at all," she said sounding only slightly sarcastic, "would I do such a thing? now why don't you boys run upstairs and try the costumes on and I'll take the photos."

"Manx?" Ken said, as he stood up, "maybe it's just me, I know I'm not the sharpest crayon in the box but," he looked at the floor, "if Kritiker had this much kevlar for costumes how come we had to work in our own clothes before?"

Aya looked at Yohji who looked back. "That's a good question." He said.

"Yeah, how come we're forever being shot at but it's only now you whip out the kevlar?"

"Cost cutting." Manx answered seriously, "kevlar's really expensive and we weren't in the international eye before."

"and why are we now?" Yohji asked.

"Because Batman's in town." Manx shouted, "the same reason you've gone non lethal, because if he mistakes you for the bad guy there will be hell to pay. He'll leave you zip stripped and naked for the police to come and get you, and we won't bail you out because we'll lose standing, so for the moment you and Crashers are going on random patrol and stopping crime as it happens. Now are you going to put the suits on?"

Muttering under their breath collectively they climbed the spiral staircase to their living quarters, Manx was sure she heard Aya say "and the neighbours thought we were hosts before."

* * *

"No," Schuldig said fluffing out the ends of his hair, "I don't care about the pay rise, no. I'm not doing it either."

"I second the motion." Farfarello said, "I'm not doing it either."

"Then the vote carries." Crawford said, "we'll just tell Esset that we're not going to go out and pretend to be super-villains until Batman goes away, or until Nagi recovers, whichever comes first." He looked at Farfarello. "And I admit that Batman's real, but that really is no excuse for you to still be wearing that googly eye."

"He might recognise me." Farfarello whined, "I have to blend in."

"And I'm sure the plastic eye looks natural." Schuldig said, "and that he won't recognise the only scarred albino Irish man in Tokyo."

"See." Farfarello said looking at Crawford, "it's a good disguise."

"Then fine," Crawford said admitting defeat, but not about to point out to Farfarello that Schuldig was being sarcastic, "but you have to tell Nagi about what happened to Mr Fluffy Bunny, and," he paused letting the light catch on his glasses, "clean up the pilling from where you dismembered him."

"Okay." Farfarello said with an evil grin, "where's the vacuum cleaner?"

Crawford looked at Schuldig who looked back with a look of horror. "It, um, broke." Crawford managed, "use the broom. Yes," he stopped a little wild eyed, "use the broom, and the dust pan, and not the vacuum, definitely not the vacuum."

* * *

The three eldest assassins of Weiss didn't descend the steps as stomp, as if they were trying to work their feet into a rather unwilling pair of boots. Manx bit her finger to stop laughing. Yohji came first, his hair bound into a small hood so that only a few wisps escaped to frame his face, it came down over his eyes and nose to form a cowl effect. The skin tight kevlar actually made him look very tall and spidery indeed. She doubted that the ladies of Tokyo would find him quite as attractive, even though the Kritiker armoury had gone to the bother of giving him a crop top and pants rather than the all in one ensemble the others had gotten. (Omi's was a rather utilitarian suit that covered every inch of flesh with a matching jacket, he was only young after all, and she had practically raised him from when he was seven, she didn't want the Tokyo underworld leching after him.)

Ken's suited his musculature perfectly, clinging to chiselled muscles with three white slashes to accentuate his abdominal muscles, the kevlar shadowed nicely, and the white lenses over his eyes, that were a feature in the mask, actually made him look intelligent.

Aya on the other hand looked like he had born to the costume, it made him seem taller, and the stripe of kevlar over his eyes gave his fine cheekbones definition, the white chevron, rather than bringing attention to his shoulders, made them seem wider and the loosely slung belts (he was wearing three) made his hips look slim and inviting. He looked like a super villain's wet dream. Manx wondered if Queen had had the same reaction when she had dressed Crashers.

She raised the camera but before she had a chance to click the button Aya turned around with both hands on the small of his back and his ass stuck out, "does this make my butt look big?"

"Makes you look like you have one." Siberian said, the kevlar was doing wonders, in Manx's opinion for his soccer calves and thighs.

"I look like a stick insect in a gymnastics class." Yohji whined.

"Come on, boys, smile for the camera."

* * *

Author's Note

Just a quickie, this isn't so much a batman crossover as an AAW story that features batman because it gives me fodder to work with. Hope you're enjoying it.


	6. A true jedi speaks when spoken to

Part 6

Aya Fujimiya had never been so grateful for the floor length leather coat that he had chosen as part of his mission gear as he was now. Ken, upon seeing it, growled. "Off."

"No." Aya said, clutching it tighter to him.

"It's not fair," Ken said turning, "if I can't wear a coat like that then neither can you, back me up here, Yohji."

He turned to the lanky blonde, he was wearing his own floor length coat with the white stripes down the sleeves, "what?" He said turning, "I wasn't listening."

"Either you both take those coats off or I'm going Siberian on you." Ken said crossing his arms, "it's not fair if I have to go out in skin tight kevlar that leaves less than nothing to the imagination and you two get to wear overcoats."

Aya frowned. "I have another coat." He said. "You can borrow it."

"Aya," Ken protested, "your shoulders are like half the width of mine, any coat I borrow won't fit, take the coats off, the sooner we go out the sooner we can come back and put on just about every item of clothing that we own." He looked himself up and down, "together."

Yohji looked at him, "that sounds like a plan, I feel naked in this stuff."

"You feel naked?" Aya asked, aghast, "you go out in less than that most nights."

"I have my entire midriff on display here, White Wing." He said the new code name rather sarcastically.

"Maybe Kritiker is trying to get you shot in the stomach." Ken said with a smile. "Now let's go, we can pick up drive through on the way back."

A sudden burst of inspiration hit Aya, "what about Omi?" he asked, "he's not to get out of bed except for direst emergency for the next two days, and Nagi's as bad, someone has to stay to look after them."

"I took care of it." Ken said darkly.

"you didn't." Yohji asked, "you didn't ask Ouka and Sakura to babysit did you?"

"No." Ken answered, "I didn't think of that, I asked Naru."

"You asked Naru, Pawn of Crashers, the man most likely to blow up Tokyo to babysit?" Aya asked.

"Yes." Ken answered. "He has a key, he'll be here any time now. Come on."

"I better stay behind, just in case." Aya said. "There might not be a flower shop to come back to otherwise."

"Fujimiya Aya," Ken said crossing his arms, "I know that you outrank me, but if I'm going out dressed like this with some brass knuckles instead of my bugnuks, you can go out dressed as scantily as I am with your boken."

"Well in that case, I'll keep an eye on the chibis." Yohji said.

"Both of you, outside now."

* * *

"Mr Wayne," Crawford said, extending his hand to shake it, "I'm Brad Crawford, I've looked forward for a long time to meeting you."

"No," Bruce answered, "believe me, the pleasure is mine, and is this your associate."

"Yes," Crawford said gesturing to the German behind him who was cleaning his nails in a bored fashion. "That's Schuldig."

"An unusual name." Dick said from where he was leaning against the wall trying to look ominous, "German for guilty isn't it."

"His parents were hippies." Crawford stammered.

"Born again Christians." Schuldig added.

"German born again Christian hippies." Crawford amended, trying to smooth over that, "with strange taste in names." He hoped that had done it, "aren't you going to introduce me to your companions."

"Certainly." Bruce said, he was wearing a perfectly cut designer suit, and Takatori's secretary was practically hanging off him. "This is Dick Grayson," he gestured with his head to the young man in jeans at the window, "and this is Tim Drake, they are my wards."

"I understand completely." Crawford said, "I adopted a young boy myself."

"Ah, yes," Bruce said, "I have heard Mr Takatori speak of him, he suggested that he and Tim might become acquaintances."

"Schuldig," Crawford said, "will you take Mr Drake to the Koneko where Nagi's staying, so they can be friends."

"Hello Tim," Schuldig said to the boy, "I'm Schuldig, I'm going to take you to meet Nagi, and his friend Omi, if that's all right, Mr Wayne." Bruce nodded.

"Make sure you phone ahead to let them know." Crawford said, "it's dark out."

"All right this is, sure you are." Tim said.

Schuldig just looked at him, trying to decipher what he had said.

"His japanese is rubbish." Dick said from the window.

"It's like talking to Yoda." Schuldig added. "Well come along little Jedi," he opened the door.

"Jedi?" Tim asked. "I know not this word, my help appreciated."

Schuldig just rolled his eyes.

* * *

Aya ran after the yakuza he had come across selling drugs. "Damn you, stop where you are!"

"No," the man shouted back, "you're Weiss, you'll kill me."

"No, I won't." Aya hollered, "I might give you a kicking for making me run, but I won't kill you, I promise."

"I don't believe you." The yakuza said, jumping over a low fence and forcing Aya to come after him.

"Shi ne." Aya murmured.

"See," the yakuza said, "you just threatened to kill me."

A dark shadow with a white tabard jumped down from a nearby fire escape. "Is there a problem here, White Wing?" Knight asked, grabbing the yakuza by the collar and then sitting on him.

"Yes," Aya said in a bad temper. "Look at me, I'm out and about in a full length cat suit, I have a white swoosh on my chest that suggests that I'm sponsored by Right Guard, and bad guys keep running from me thinking I'm going to kill them."

"You do have that reputation." The yakuza yelped as Aya zip stripped him around a lamp post with the note saying "arrest me."

"Let's get out of here, Knight." Aya said, "I need a drink."

"Dressed like this?" Knight asked, "where can we get in?"

Aya thought about it and then took his cell phone from his utility belt and flipped it open. "White Spider, it's me. I don't know about you, but I want a drink, I've met up with Knight, where can you recommend? We'll leave White Tiger chasing down the lowlifes, and you, Knight and me can go drinking." There was a short pause. "Yeah, I'll ask them."

"What about Feathers?" The Yakuza suggested.

"Mind your own business." Knight told the man, "and look at the way we're dressed, we'll never get into Feathers."

"Scythe." Aya said, "where is that?"

"Roppongi," the yakuza supplied helpfully.

"Will you shut up." Aya glared at him.

Knight reached into his utility belt, where it was under his tabard, and pulled out a roll of duct tape, tearing off a strip he put it over the man's mouth. "So, is your car anywhere around here?"

"It's not far, even though someone," Aya glared at the gagged Yakuza, "made me run after him. Call in the rest of Crashers, we're going drinking, if White Tiger is so adamant that we're going to go out at night chasing down the miscellaneous low lives of Tokyo he can bloody well do it on his own."

* * *

Schuldig looked at the young man who opened the door to the Koneko, he was sandy haired with a large cap that fell over his forehead, he was wearing a lime green sweater and a pair of oversized dungarees. "Is this the Koneko no sumu ie?" He asked, he had no idea who this young man was, when Omi had answered the phone he hadn't suggested anything about someone being there.

"You must be Shoe dig," the man said, "Omi said you'd be coming."

"Schuldig." He corrected.

"I'm Naru, I'm just looking after them this evening, the rest of them have gone out drinking." He looked at the dark haired youth behind him, "you must be Tim-kun, come on in, we're having tacos."

"Octopus?" Schuldig said pulling a face, "I'm going back to the hotel, if that's the case, call me when he's ready to go." He made a quick exit.

"Understand I do not." Tim said, "my Japanese good not, my shotakon japanese better if nagi talk to I."

Naru blinked. "Did you just say Shotakon?"

Tim nodded. "Right word was Hirofumi san said."

"What's the word in English?" Naru said, as he led Tim into the flower shop.

"Boss, Mr Wayne is my boss." Tim told him.

"Shacho," Naru said, "the word you want is Shacho, not Shotakon."

"What does that mean?" Tim asked. "everyone laughed when I said it."

"That really doesn't surprise me, lets just say it's not something you want to advertise even if it is true."

* * *

Author's Note

Sorry about the wait


	7. Tequila it makes me happy

Part 7

* * *

Juste Belmont made the last terrific leap to the platform and brandished his whip as the skeleton launched the bomb. He destroyed the undead soldier but not in time to stop the bomb striking him, sending him flying off the platform and back to the floor hundreds of metres below.

A full moon appeared with the legend "Game Over"1

"Goddamnit." Nagi swore throwing the controller away. "I can normally finish this room with no problem, but a stupid skeleton bomber, a minion so weak a glare normally kills him, killed me."

"Nagi-kun," Omi said sweetly, "it's just a game."

Still annoyed at the game Nagi glared at him. Omi just smiled, "You know," he said, "that's well on its way to becoming a Shi-ne glare all on it's own." He stretched the distance between the two twin beds and kissed Nagi on the nose, "you're like a mini Abyssinian, except he's not nearly as good at this." He kissed him on the mouth.

"Hey kids," Naru said opening the door, they pulled back a little guiltily. "Crawford sent this over." Behind him Tim stood with a tray in his hands.

"Kawaii," Omi said, "a servant."

"No," Naru said taking the tray from Tim, "a guest, this is Tim."

"Oh of course." Nagi said sitting back against the pillows, "the American boy, Dim, wasn't it?"

"Tim." Naru corrected with a small glare, "now be nice, I'm going down stairs to watch "Days of our existence" Midori has just found out that Dr Tanakawa is actually her father but she thinks she might be pregnant with his child."

"Soaps," Nagi said, "you'd think that someone of your calibre would watch something a little more intelligent than "Days of our existence"."

Naru nodded, "I'm just killing time until "The Young and the Hopeless" and then we have "Iron Chef," and it's a kelp special."

Nagi just shook his head.

"Hello, Dim," Omi said brightly, "I'm Omi and this is Nagi, what brings you to Japan?"

"Mr Wayne," Tim said carefully, choosing his words, "My Japan not good and I try, came for Mr Wayne, my," he looked at Naru trying to remember the right word, "shotakon," Naru shook his head.

"Shotakon?" Nagi asked, incredulous, "and you admit it, it's true, the American's are far less repressed."

"He means Shacho." Naru corrected. "Hirofumi Takatori thought it would be funny to tell him the wrong word."

Nagi was obviously stifling a laugh, "he's right." He managed. "It is."

"Word what does mean?" Tim asked.

"Never mind." Omi said, "so you came to Japan with Mr Wayne."

"Assistant I am, help with night work." Tim said, sitting on the end of his bed and frowning.

Nagi burst out laughing again, Omi frowned at him. "Would it be easier for you if we spoke in English?" Omi asked in English, "We're both fluent."

"No," Tim said firmly, "use Japan to better get, perfect makes practise."

"That's true," Omi said, "Say, Dim, have you ever had pocky?"

"Tim," Tim corrected, "not Dim."

"Sorry," Omi said and reached across the bed for the long thin red box that Yohji had left on his bedside cabinet. "Let's start again, I'm Omi Tsukiyono and this is Nagi Naoe, and you are."

"Tim Drake." He said happily.

"Hajimemashite.2" Omi said with a slight bow.

"Hajimemashite." Nagi repeated with the same bow.

"Pleased to meet you too." Tim answered. "Is this Harmony of Dissonance?" He asked, with no problem using his Japanese for the complicated game name. "Not in Gotham to be released all. Play can I? fan girl of series am I."

"Fan girl?" Nagi asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Leave it," Omi hissed, "he's getting better." He turned to Tim, "help yourself."

* * *

Scythe was one of the strangest bars in Tokyo Aya thought as he went inside, the bouncers, who were taking payment from nearly everyone that entered, didn't raise an eyebrow at the five men in skin tight kevlar and masks that tried to enter, nor did they charge them.

It was tightly packed with people in vinyl and leather. In fact it looked like the kind of place where a super-hero could be himself, costume be damned. The music was pumping and the lights were flashing, and best of all, the liquor was cheap.

The five of them had escaped and left the defence of Tokyo to the only one of them that seemed eager to be out in that outfit, and settled down in a booth. The waiter was wearing a pair of jeans shorts that appeared to have been sprayed on, and were that tight that they had split in several places, a pair of leather chaps, a waist coat and a cowboy hat that hung down his back. "So, what can I get you gents?" He asked with a bit of a wink and a leer. Everyone looked at Yohji.

"What day is it?" Yohji asked, adjusting his mask.

"Thursday," the barman said, with just a little moue between his eyes, he looked slightly baffled, but pleasantly amused by the question.

"Then it's tequila all round." He said, "Thursday is Tequila night."

The barman gave a shrug that was almost laughter and walked back to the bar, through the crowd of dancers, in a way that made his pert ass wiggle for their attention.

"Where did you find this place?" Yuushi shouted over the music.

Yohji just spread his hands and grinned.

"I'd say that it's the place that spawned him." Reiichi answered, pushing the ashtray between Masato and Yohji with a firm hand, "but it's a bit clean really."

Masato mock punched him in the arm. They wore identical suits with different coloured tabards to tell them apart. "You wouldn't know a good bar if it came up and bit you in the ass." He said, "this place has a good vibe."

"Yeah, it's just purple." Aya said with wide eyes to show complete innocence.

"Aya!" Yohji said, mock offended. "I didn't know you had it in you."

"I borrowed it from Ken." Aya said.

* * *

Speaking of Ken.

He crouched on the rooftop watching the two men conduct their business and hoped the others had been even slightly as productive as he was. So far had stopped three pimps, two drug deals, and one car jacking. All in all, it was going quite well, but he was sure he should have run across at least one of the others by now.

A woman walked down the alley, it was a really stupid thing to do, Ken thought, walking down an alley in the middle of Tokyo at night!

The two men turned to her, and then there was a flash of streetlight on metal. It seemed a superhero's work was never done.

* * *

Tim sat cross legged on the edge of Omi's bed in a position that spoke of Zen, it spoke of long hours practising meditation, however he was waving about a bright pink can of soda as he spoke at some length in broken Japanese. "I don't think that that grape soda was such a good idea." Nagi said in German, hoping that Tim couldn't understand the language, but knowing that Omi could, that Aya had taught him. "He's gone mad."

"The sugar's just gone to his head." Omi answered in pitch perfect German, "he'll be fine once he comes down."

"You see," Tim ranted, "Bruce thinks everything is about Dick, it's Dick this and Dick that and I can't live up to Dick, I mean I bend over backwards, I do everything he tells me to and more, and yet it's all about Dick, you know what I mean." Omi and Nagi just nodded a little warily, "I've given up everything, I lie to my father, so Bruce can tell me he doesn't have this problem with Dick, well, between you and me, Dick sucks,"

Nagi looked at Omi, "maybe Hirofumi was right, and the word was Shotakon."

"I mean, I'm his assistant, but Dick was his assistant first so everything I do gets compared to Dick."

"Dick's a person?" Nagi asked, wonderstruck.

"Yeah." Tim answered, fuelled by grape soda he had lost his nervousness with Japanese and was managing quite well.

"I thought you had the wrong word." Omi said lowering his eyes.

Tim burst out laughing.

* * *

Ken swung down from the rooftop with the handy hoookshot that Kritiker had given each of them for that exact purpose, although because it was spring loaded it made a handy weapon, giving a solid blow to the abdomen when used that way, and it could, though only Yohji seemed to have figured out how, be used as a bola as well. He landed silently on both feet, in his normal persona as Ken Hidaka he was clumsy, but for some reason as either the "white tiger" or Siberian he was as graceful as his namesake. A roundhouse kick took out the first of the thugs, and a one two combo took out the second. The woman looked at him, and Ken thought for a moment that she looked awfully familiar and came to the conclusion that she must have frequented the shop. "My hero," she said launching herself at him and as he opened his mouth in shock, and possibly to protest, she took the opportunity to stick her tongue in his mouth. He recognised her now, it was the woman from the plastic surgery hospital, Kazumi.

Aya was drunk, and couldn't get the taste of salt off his lips. He was fast learning the reason that Mexicans always seemed startled by life in general. He had never had tequila before, in Kyoto he always drank what his patron drank so he had had vodka and bourbon and brandy and a thousand other things, but never tequila, and certainly not the patrona variety that Yohji ordered that looked like liquid moonlight in the glass and burned like fire before being washed away with a flash of salt and a twist of lime.

"Ne, Aya," Yohji said leaning in to him, in a way that someone else was as drunk as he was. In fact the five of them were pretty wrecked. Perhaps next time they went drinking they'd take Ken with them, Ken was really funny when he was drunk. And Crawford, he liked having Crawford around. "Isn't that your sweetheart by the door?" Yohji pointed out a rather familiar dark head.

"Snot my sweetheart." Aya protested because in truth Crawford wasn't his sweetheart, he was his boyfriend which was much better in Aya's opinion.

"Well, I'll give you two thousand yen if you go up and kiss him." Yohji said.

"I'll match it." Yuushi said pulling out his wallet.

"And me." Reiichi said putting the notes down on the table.

"Me too." Masato added stacking the pile. "and another two if you grope his butt."

"That's despiabable." Aya said mangling the word.

"Oh he's scared." Yuushi said sitting back. "He won't do it, he hasn't got the bottle."

"Oh, haven't I?" Aya said and stood up. He crossed the dance floor quickly and walked up to the man by the door in the black jacket, put his hand on his arm and spun him around, pinning him to the wall with his hips and kissed him thoroughly.

"Umm," Yohji said quietly as the man put his hands on Aya and kissed him back. "That's not Crawford."

* * *

Author's Note

1 They're playing Castlevania don'cha know.

2 _Hajimemashite_. Pleased to meet you

Scythe is the bar in Trixie's Jaded Trade which features Duo Maxwell as a bartender, I adore Trixie's work so I thought I'd borrow the club. She won't mind. So go find her work and let her know how much you adore her too, you won't be disappointed. Tell her I sent you.


	8. Diamonds are an assassins best friend

Part 8

* * *

Aya pulled back from the American he had been kissing, with his eyes shut and pressing his lips together, rolling his tongue over them to see if he could find that elusive taste of cinnamon. Crawford always tasted of cinnamon. "Well hello to you too." The man said in English and Aya opened his eyes to a terrible realisation. The eyes that he was staring at weren't amber, they were blue, and he wasn't wearing contacts. He took a step back and looked at the man.

Apart from the fact that all tall, dark haired American gaijin in suits could be said to look alike Aya was faced with the terrible realisation that he had just kissed another man.

"Aya?" Someone said from the side as the blush ran from his feet to his face as his hand flew to cover his mouth. He was almost glad for the mask he was still wearing as he turned his head and looked at the man he had thought he had been kissing. Crawford was in the bar. Crawford had seen what he had done. "Grayson?" Aya was faced with the terrible realisation that he had just kissed another man in front of Crawford.

Aya's head flicked back between the two and then over to the booth were the rest of his party sat as quickly as he could manage. "Oh feck!" He shouted and pushed past the American towards the door.

The poor unfortunate Grayson was caught, did he run after the man who had just so thoroughly kissed him or did he run away from Crawford who looked as if he could (and would) kill him with a look? He was suddenly surrounded by two tall men in black kevlar, both of which had white tabards over their outfits and white masks. "I think you need to come and sit with us," the scruffy one said, "I'm Rook, and this is my friend, Bishop, and that was Aya, come and have a drink with us." The way he was dragging Dick by the arm pretty much made the decision for him.

* * *

Crawford ran into the street after Aya who was doing his best to bolt but had found that the copious amounts of tequila that he had imbibed meant that his feet were not as happy to obey him as they normally were and that walls didn't stay where they normally did. In fact the walls were bobbing and weaving about like they were the ones that were drunk. "Aya," Crawford called out. Aya looked back and then did his best to vanish into the night. It would have been much more effective if he hadn't tripped and fallen over a trash can. "Aya." Crawford said, finally catching up and offering him a hand up. "It's all right." He said.

"I thought it was you." Aya stammered. "They made a bet and they called me a chicken and I thought it was you, but he didn't taste of cinn'mon."

"You think I taste of cinnamon?" Crawford asked.

"Umm," Aya acknowledged falling forward into his arms, "and peaches and summer and good things."

"You're drunk." Crawford said placatingly.

"Just a teensy bit." Aya agreed with a matching hand movement. "but Esset have to stop playing with the Earth's axis, it isn't fair that you can walk straight and I still have sea legs."

Crawford raised an eyebrow at that, "it's not Esset, Aya, it's Jose Cuervo."

"I can't kill him," Aya confessed, "until Batman goes 'way am non lethal, s'like being back in Crashers but with kevlar." He picked at his skin tight black suit.

"I must say I do like the change in outfit." Crawford said putting his arm around Aya's waist to guide him. "I'll definitely give my compliments to your tailor."

"Wanna go home." Aya whined, "am so sorry, thought it was you."

"It's all right, love," Crawford said, leading him down the street with the hand on his waist. "I know you did."

"Was a million yen." Aya admitted, "want money for Aya, always need money for Aya." The tone was getting darker than Crawford wanted it to be.

"Well, glad to know I'm not going cheap then." Crawford said with a smile, "there's a nice hotel around here, we can stay there tonight and we'll go back in the morning when you feel up to it."

"Crawford," Aya said blinking at him as he tried to focus, "you're too good to me."

"It's nothing, Aya." Crawford said, "you more than make it up to me all the time."

"'M not worth it." The tequila had taken Aya from pleasantly amused to horrified to vaguely amorous to depressed in five minutes.

"Well a kiss from me is worth a million yen." Crawford said, determined not to go into the black moon.

"A kiss on the hand is quite continental." Aya corrected, wagging his finger, "you're the one that likes show tunes, you should know that."

"But diamonds are a girl's best friend." Crawford added.

"Easier to hock." Aya agreed.

* * *

"Will your friend be all right?" Dick asked the men gathered around the table.

"Aya?" Yohji asked. "Considering he's just been taken home by designated driver Crawford and deigned to leave you in our clutches I think he's going to be fine."

"They say," Yuushi leant in to deliver this piece of wisdom, "They're not dating, but no one believes them."

"But Crawford has a girlfriend." Dick protested. "I'm to have dinner with her at the end of the week."

Under his cowl Yohji went pale. "Oh my god," he managed, "Crawford's cheating on Aya, it will be the Texas Chainstore massacre all over."

"Don't you mean chainsaw?" Masato asked.

"That's what I said, chain store." Yohji protested. "Waiter, more tequila."

"Aya won't kill him." Reiichi protested.

"No, he'll just torture him and that makes a terrible mess, remember that kid that keyed his Porsche." The three gathered members of Crashers shuddered. "Or that fan-girl that accidentally smashed his favourite bonsai, she still has panic attacks when she hears his voice."

"If Aya's that fond of Crawford it might not be so bad." Masato said, lighting a cigarette and leaning back.

"Where do I come into this?" Dick asked. "I mean not that I'm complaining that one of the most gorgeous men in Tokyo just decided to grope me within an inch of my virtue."

"Well," Yuushi began.

"There was this bet." Masato continued.

"We thought you were Crawford." Reiichi managed.

"And he was so drunk." Yohji finished.

"Do you always do that?" Dick asked, "I mean finish each other's sentence, that wasn't a paragraph, it was a round robin."

Yohji leant forward with a leer, "not always, but we always make an exception for handsome young men."

"Tart." Masato said with a laugh, "he looks just like Crawford."

"Can you imagine the two of them together." Reiichi said, "it's the American face of cloning. Are you two in any way related?"

"I'd never met him before last week. I came to Tokyo as part of a business delegation with Wayne Enterprises." Dick explained as the pretty waiter brought over another tray of tequila.

"Ah," Reiichi said, sitting back and cradling the shot glass, "the heir apparent of the Wayne fortune, the previous administrator to Mr Wayne." He raised his eyebrow under the mask, "and it seems he's now interested in our Aya. Aya will be interested to know that there's money involved."

"And he's really not dating Crawford?" Dick asked.

"They both deny it." Yuushi said working out something in his blonde head. "Maybe you're in with a chance."

"Knight," Yohji teased. "Aya will be mortified if he finds out that you're setting him up."

"Is his hair naturally that colour?" Dick asked.

"And his eyes are the colour of twilight," Knight added, "and his skin is the colour of wintry cream."

Masato gave him a glancing blow on the arm. "Never mind about mortifying you, Aya will kill you and if he doesn't then Crawford will, they both deny it so vehemently that it can't be true."

"Well, Crawford's told Takatori he has a girlfriend, and a man that beautiful shouldn't be cheated on." Dick said, "and so I will steal him away. Officially, I am a Wayne, if by adoption, and Wayne's always get what they want."

* * *

Author's Note

Insomnia sucks! I wrote the vast majority this because I couldn't sleep so be grateful. I am officially still sick and still feeling very sorry for myself, hence it's short and is more story based than funny.


	9. the life of the party

Title: An Assassin and white porsche 9?

Author: Seraphim Grace  
Archive: if you want it ask.  
Feedback: Always appreciated and replied to.  
Rating: PG-13.

Pairings: CrawfordxAya, OmixNagi  
Warnings: Really bad comedy.

Spoilers: None really.

* * *

The days passed quickly with their nights so full. Weiss were about early, opened the shop and then slept through the evening to go patrolling at night. More than once Aya had opened the shop just pulling a pair of jeans over what he was now calling his pyjamas. In fact he went patrolling once with a spray of wisteria tucked behind his ear where a fan-girl had crept up behind where he was asleep at his work bench and adorned him. He only noticed when he was applying solvent to remove his mask. It was all over the papers the next day, "vigilante attacks spread through city," said some papers, however most said, "vigilantes wear flowers! Is this the face of modern crime fighting?" If it hadn't made his hair smell so nice Aya might even have been affronted.

He had gotten out of vigilante duty today by virtue of having a date, Yohji considered this a rare enough treat that he magnanimously ushered him out of the shop to go buy himself something nice.

Every day since the debacle at the club Richard Grayson had swanned into the shop, if he ever found out who had told him where he worked the headline wouldn't read "vigilantes wear flowers" that was for sure, and spent most of the day praising him. He never arrived early in the morning but stayed until closing time.

He was like a male Princess Ouka.

He obviously had an outside source of information because the gifts he brought were well suited to Aya, he bought him expensive books, a Chinese calligraphy set which was almost identical to the one that Crawford had bought for him in Kyoto, except Crawford's was made of polished bone and Grayson's was antique ivory.

He even managed, through some feat that Aya was desperate to understand, to keep Sakura somewhat at bay.

He showed up midmorning with Tim beside him, obviously that was his excuse, and then didn't leave until Aya practically physically threw him out. The rest of Weiss seemed to be in on it though, Yohji, had on more than one occasion, sent him out to lunch with the man, and Ken had managed to trip, knocking Aya so that he landed face first unto Grayson.

They denied it as vehemently as he denied going out with Crawford.

Even Manx and Birman liked him!

He flirted with the fangirls. He flirted with the secretaries. He even, and Yohji drew the line at that, flirted with Momoe. He flirted with the fangirl's boyfriends. The man made Yohji look like something less of a slut.

He was also extraordinarily wealthy.

He was friendly and pleasant and Aya was forced to concede if he wasn't head over heels in adoration of Crawford then Grayson might have appealed to him, apart from being such a giant tart.

Now things were getting complicated.

He had a date tonight with both men, and to make things more surreal, at the same time, of course, Grayson didn't know his dinner date, that Aya had managed with some skill to excuse himself from despite Yohji overhearing, "you have to go, when was the last time you had a date," Yohji had protested, "it's fine, you don't have to argue," Aya had answered him with a smile, "I'm going". He just didn't mention that he was going with Crawford and not with Grayson.

He left the shop early, before his personal stalker appeared, and made his way, with a very large bunch of wisteria, baby's breath, magnolia branches and jasmine, to the Okiya that had trained him before he went to Kyoto knowing that if anyone was capable of dragging Murasakiiro out of semi-retirement it was Obasan.

Aya appraised himself in the mirror in the apartment that Obasan had taken him to in order to dress him. She had gathered his hair up under a net before securing a large and rather heavy wig in place, "knew this would happen," she had muttered opening the box to reveal a wig the exact same shade as his hair, and then gathered it into a rather elegant updo with the wisteria and baby's breath and several gold wands he had acquired in Kyoto. She dressed him like a heian princess, "for the future prime minister," she said, "now don't growl at me, I'm not letting a geisha of this house meet him dressed like a pauper," that had been her cue to put her hands on her hips and glare, "yes, dear, I know he's evil, and I know he killed your parents and you want to kill him, but not tonight." Then she patted him on the cheek and helped him dress.

He was wearing twelve kimono of organza that, due to the elaborate layering were saved from being see through. They started with a rich deep red and went into violets and white before being covered with a raw silk gold kimono embroidered with those colours. A violet obi finished the look, and rather than the simple flat pad knot she had gathered it into the rose knot.

Although when he was in Kyoto, like most of the Tokyo geisha, Murasakiiro had gone barefoot, she had brought him a pair of silk tabi and new zori. In fact, appraising himself in the mirror, as she tied a lump of lavender jade, shaped like a wisteria blossom that he had bought especially, around his throat, he had never looked more beautiful.

"Haunting, Murasakiiro, truly haunting." Obasan said handing him a gold fan that she tied from the obi-age. "Now go knock them dead." Then she realised who she was saying it to, "but not literally of course."

* * *

The tea house was one of the largest in Tokyo and Aya was one of the last to arrive. He arrived in a long stretch limo, which was quite normal for a geisha of his standing, which Crawford had arranged for him. Crawford was awaiting him as the car pulled up. The smile that he graced him with made all the preparations worthwhile. "Beautiful," Crawford said bowing to kiss the back of Aya's white hand. Aya considered giggling but instead gave him a rather fond smile. "Shall we go show them, my dear, just why we were the talk of Gion?"

"I'm looking forward to it." Aya answered calmly. "Lead the way, Crawford-san, and I shall in your shadow follow."

Because, unlike most of the other geisha attending the teahouse Aya was a guest, he sat down next to Crawford, the other geisha, although they had been invited, were attending it. Bruce Wayne was a large man with shoulders like a bear and a pair of cool blue eyes that seemed to survey everything. He gave off an animal magnetism that almost screamed sex. He was, Aya conceded, a very attractive and powerful man, if such things did things for you. The rest of the geisha were fawning over him and Aya felt no such need.

Next to him was Grayson, he seemed much smaller but more athletic than his sponsor, and where Wayne wore a sharp black suit, a Kenzo if Aya wasn't mistaken, Grayson wore a dark blue satin jacket that looked more like a smoking jacket but was obviously very expensive haute couture design that brought out the colour of his eyes. Crawford was wearing a very rich chocolate brown colour that made his eyes look pale, but Takatori was wearing his usual grey and his side burns seemed to have been brushed. Aya resisted the urge to poison his sake.

Bruce Wayne stood up to welcome Murasakiiro with a low bow, "I am honoured to spend time with such a reknowned beauty," his voice was deep and sonorous, it was the kind of voice that someone who kept silent but made sure his words had weight. "Crawford-san despite being your patron was almost silent about your beauty, now I see why, if I was aware of such beauty perhaps I might have been more ardent in arranging this meeting." Aya couldn't help the slow blush that moved along his cheeks, he had been told that Bruce Wayne was a millionaire playboy but he had assumed that the vast majority of his female admirers had been swayed by the money, but the intent gaze of cool blue eyes and that voice had obviously helped.

"My beautiful lady," Grayson said, in a similar bow his kiss was feathery. "Such beauty should not hide in the shadows of the coppery gaze of a sarariman." He was making a definite comment about the fact that Murasakiiro had officially semi-retired because of Crawford's patronage, not because she was actually the assassin Abyssinian and the mission was over. "Perhaps you should come to Gotham so we can show you the beauties of our home."

"I am a simple girl from Hokkaido," Aya answered, releasing her fan and using it to cover her blush, "such honours should be spread amongst all the ladies here, and the attentions of such luminaries should not be wasted on one such as I." She looked across at the other geisha. "All these handsome men paying me such devotion, I am far too humble a girl to know what to do."

"I suppose that is where I come in, Murasakiiro-sama," one of the other geisha said with a smile, he was glad to recognise her as the geisha Tenshiko who had been one of those to train him. "We must draw their attentions before you simply expire of devotion." Under her fan Murasakiiro laughed, "now Grayson-san, let me get you something to drink, Wayne-san, has anyone told you just how that colour brings out the tone of your skin." And offering her hands to them drew them away.

"I had forgotten the effect your beauty had on men," Crawford said from behind him, putting his hand on the heavy silk of his obi just above his hip. "I want to take you away from this mess and spend an evening worshipping you, my Saki-chan." He laid a light kiss on his lips, careful not to smudge the rouge. "Instead I must share you with all these men, if only for tonight."

"Would that you could spend such an evening," Aya said wistfully, then raised his eyes to meet Crawford's, "but instead you must introduce me to your employer, is there any way you wish me to treat him?" Those were words that Obasan had told her to say, because as his patron Crawford could ask such liberties of him, though it was a mark of honour if such liberties were refused. Aya believed Crawford would ask nothing of him, but was perfectly prepared to torture him if he asked something anyway.

"Only be kind to him, I ask only that you treat him with the same grace that you treated Akimoto who has told him much of your wonder." Crawford answered, then leant in to whisper in his ear, taking a deep breath of the flowers in his hair, "you're mine and I have no wish to share you."

* * *

After an hour in his company Aya had reassessed his opinion of Reiji Takatori completely. He had believed the man to be an evil genius with a cruel streak, he had pictured him much like a silent movie villain, stroking his sideburns as he tied maidens to the train-tracks. Instead he discovered that he was just an arrogant ass. In many ways that was worse, because if Takatori was evil then the murder of his parents was an extension of an evil empire, but because he was just an ass it was just his arrogance. He kept introducing Aya to his son, Hirofumi, who was caught in the obvious dilemma of which man he was watching, Bruce Wayne, Richard Grayson, or Crawford.

Takatori was also very drunk and very gropey.

Most of the other geisha had made good their escape to the other side of the room, out of the range of his meaty hands, and there was more than one welt on his hands from Aya's fan.

"Murasakiiro-sama," Grayson said outstretching his hand to him. Aya almost snatched it to get away from the vice prime minister before he strangled him with his obi-age. "Come, you must join us, you are wasted away in that corner, Tenshiko is starting a drinking game, come on, it's not very often you get the chance to see Bruce drunk, you must come."

He pulled himself to his feet, "by your leave, Takatori-sama." He said bowing.

"Akimoto lied to me, girl," Takatori said suddenly, Aya froze mid-bow. "He said you were lovely, but not the extent of your beauty. Tell me how much Crawford pays you and I'll double it for a night in your company."

"Takatori-sama," Aya began to protest.

"She is mine," Crawford snarled, "and I have no intention to share her, now or ever." His tone was genuinely nasty. "I am her danna because she chose me, not because I paid the most. I am not pleased at this, shall I ask Schuldig to stand by her side." Takatori drunkenly blinked, then lowered his eyes from the reflection on Crawford's glasses.

Grayson noticed it as he led Aya away, "look, it's not my place to interfere," he said, "and I have nothing against you or him personally, but I feel I have to tell you," he lowered his eyes as he tentatively took her hand to lead her across to the drinking party on the other side of the room, "but Crawford's cheating on you."

Aya made an adjunct to his decision to kill Takatori, he was going to kill Crawford as well.

* * *

Author's note:

Sorry about the delay, but look, this went through so many different versions before I found one I was happy with, a lot of jokes got put on hiatus. This one is more build up than joke, but it has it's moments.


	10. i want to gut you like an animal

Title: An Assassin and white porsche 10?

Author: Seraphim Grace  
Archive: if you want it ask.  
Feedback: Always appreciated and replied to.  
Rating: PG-13.

Pairings: CrawfordxAya, OmixNagi  
Warnings: Really bad comedy.

Spoilers: None really.

* * *

Nagi awoke from a deep sleep to a rousing back beat and someone shout-singing the words "I want to gut you like an animal.(1)" It took him a whole moment to realise that it wasn't his alarm clock and those weren't the actual words. He looked across at Omi who was sound asleep with his cast flung out over the pillow in his single divan, (a second of which had been set up for Nagi) and showed no signs of waking. "I want to see all your insides," the voice bellowed as carefully, delicately, Nagi climbed out of his bed and found his way into the corridor.

He managed the few steps to the staircase worried about walking abroad in what was supposed to be his enemy's home, when he met Ken. "You shouldn't be out of bed." Ken said, crossing his arms and trying his best to look stern. It was a look that was ruined by the yellow paint stain on his black and white zebra print kevlar and the fact that he was wearing a rubber mask. He was also emitting a rather foul stench. At another time Nagi might even have laughed at him, but he just wanted to go back to bed.

"Smell bad." (2) He stammered, trying not to let his eyes water and using his power to hold his nose.

"I got stink bombed." Ken growled, "stupid punks, they dropped paint on me and then smashed stink bombs off my armour. I had to come home smelling like this."

Let his body hit the floor! (3)- the voice sang loudly.

"Look," Ken said, "go back to bed, Aya's in a temper and nothing's going to stop it until morning at the best, I'll see if I can get him to turn down the noise." He looked exhausted, "and hopefully we'll all get some sleep."

"Ken-chan." A woman's voice called up at the window. Ken literally dived behind Nagi. Despite that they were safely inside Ken was squatting behind him to hide as much of his much larger frame behind the willowy boy.

"Don't let her take me." He said cowering, "I don't care that I stink, oh, kami-sama she followed me home."

On his head the words Nagi said came out as an eloquent demand for explanation of how Ken got covered in the things they made stink bombs from and why there was what was obviously a female super villain at the door, what he said in reality with a head half fogged with sleep was "smell bad"

I've got nothing to do but hang around and bloody murder you(4) - Aya sang.

Nagi decided to give into the only impulse he could with one assassin singing loudly and off key words that weren't right but fit anyway, and one cowering behind him, he swore, loudly. Well he intended to but it came out "smell bad."

It was then that Yohji decided to make his appearance known, running out of the bathroom with one hand over his eyes in a rather melodramatic fashion, the other was clutching a magazine, shouting "Asuka."

Ken groaned. "Okay," he said, straightening up, "who left their manga in the bathroom this time.(5)" He rolled his eyes.

Omi stumbled his way down the stairs looking cutely sleep mussed, his hand on the wall to hold him steady.

"Ken-kun, what's wrong?" He asked.

"Ken-chan." Kazumi shouted up at the window again.

"Asuka!" Yohji moaned.

Come on baby be on fire (6)- Aya sang.

Ken rolled his eyes and slipped from Hidaka Ken into Siberian, "I'll deal with Yohji, Nagi, you deal with Aya and Omi, you can deal with the mad woman who followed me home where normally I'd just set Yohji on her."

"'Kay," Omi said sleepily, making his way down to the back door.

* * *

Aya Fujimiya was in a death rage, it was slightly worse than the usual Takatori death rage, but not by much. He was torn between killing Crawford and phoning him up and begging him to come over. He wasn't sure if he wanted to eviscerate his rival or just outdo them. He also toyed with thoughts of killing Grayson for telling him. The more confused over the situation he got the more angry he got, and the more angry he got the more confused he got, till he took the classical music out of the CD player and got greatest metal hits to sing along with. He wondered about compiling a cd of mp3's called So you want to murder your lover. Part of him even wanted to cry and that bit he was especially not fond of. He was an assassin, dammit, and no matter how much he wanted to he would not listen to "More than words" by Extreme, or "Right here waiting" by Richard Marx. (7)

Nagi knocked on the door and popped his head in "is everything okay, Aya-san?" He asked hoping upon hope that it wouldn't see him killed. "I was kinda hoping for a copy of that CD."

Aya flicked it down with the remote so instead of it being ear drum bursting it was just rather loud. "Naoe," Aya said, Crawford only called him that when Nagi was in need of reassurance, and Omi when they were intimate, it sounded odd coming from Aya. "He's cheating on me."

Nagi looked at him in shock. Crawford certainly hadn't seen that one coming if he dared to cheat on the beautiful and incredibly deadly Abyssinian, of course Crawford hadn't told him that he was cheating, but at the same time he had been spending all his time at the Koneko and Crawford had been working. "I'm sure he's not, he thinks the world of you." He was almost bent over and he wasn't very confident on his feet.

"I'm sorry, take a seat." Aya said patting the bed. Nagi limped over to the bed.

"I might be in trouble if Crawford finds out that I was in your bed."

Aya smiled a little. "You're his baby, he'd kill me first." His face fell then, "do you really think that he wouldn't cheat on me."

"Aya-san," Nagi said bravely thinking that someone was liable to get killed and he was in the direct cross fire. "Crawford adores you, none of us believe for an instant that you weren't dating, but you're the first person he's been serious about in all the time that I've known him, and I've known him ten years." He offered him a wan smile, "you're good for him he'd have to be an idiot to throw that away."

"Really?" Aya said but his tone suggested he didn't believe him for a moment.

"Really," Nagi answered.

* * *

Omi opened the door to the heavily made up young woman that awaited him. "Hi," she said moving her perfectly lipsticked mouth in a perfectly practised pout. Omi blinked at her, not quite sure he should be awake yet but nevertheless was at the door. "I'm Kazumi, I'm looking for Ken."

Omi wondered briefly if he had been sent down to usher the girl away, but she was very attractive, even if she was dressed a little strangely, her hot pink halter top seemed to show more than it hid revealing more midriff than one of Yohji's top and she was wearing a leopard print vinyl mini skirt that barely covered her ass showing off the tops of her stockings. She was wearing a pair of clear plastic platforms with a very large heel and her hair was streaked blonde and pulled into ringlets with shimmering hair grips. "He's upstairs," Omi said, "come on in, I'm sure he's just changing now. I'll get you something to drink while you wait."

"You must be his brother." Kazumi said, licking her waxy lips and leaning down so he got a good look at her rather impressive cleavage, "he didn't tell me he had such a cute brother." She brushed past him leaving a cloud of her perfume that smelt like sunshine and sex, "I'll have a bloody mary if you don't mind." Before he could decide whether or not he did mind she was halfway up the stairs, "were you the brother that was in the accident?" She asked turning back to look at him, "because apart from that cast it's nothing a little foundation wouldn't mask, what colour would you say you were burnished ivory or pale sun blessed?" Omi just blinked at her.

"I'll go get Ken." He answered.

* * *

Ken was looking after Yohji who had thrown himself on the bed in a fit of pique and was managing his best to inhale a bottle of vodka. "And you're not going to do anything stupid whilst I go get changed, are you?" he asked.

"Asuka," he sobbed into the pillow.

"For gods sake, Yohji," Ken snarled losing his temper at last, "I'm sure that they'll carry on running X1999, it's just Clamp are busy with something else at the moment."

Yohji looked at him funny. "But," he protested.

"I always preferred Hana to Yume myself, or even Zero Sum, but no, you have to like Asuka, why can't you just try Smile."

"But," Yohji protested.

"There is no point in killing yourself just because they concluded your favourite series." Ken said firmly, "now I am going to get changed, I stink and I'm covered in yellow paint."

Omi said popped his head out from around the door, "there's a girl downstairs," he mumbled in a style most unlike his usual genki manner, one eye was closed, "and I'm going back to bed."

"Tell her to go," Yohji said, lighting a cigarette with one hand, the other holding the beaker he was drinking vodka neat from. "I'm not fit for company."

"She's for Ken," Omi said off handedly.

Yohji warred with the decision to mope or make a comment.

"Omi," Ken protested, "you were supposed to tell her to go away. I just hope Nagi's having better luck than we did."

* * *

Curled up in Aya's bed with his arms wrapped tightly about a feather pillow and Aya's quilt tucked in about him. Aya, still angry but faced with a sleeping waif in his bed, swallowed his rage, wrapped an airline blanket about his shoulders against the spring chill of the night, and went to sit on the fire escape to contemplate his relationship with Crawford, the fact that he was being cheated on, and the one that Richard Grayson was offering.

* * *

Author's note

(1) There are a few songs Aya uses to his own purpose this is the first one, it was originally "Closer" by the Nine Inch Nails. I wanted them to be songs Nagi would recognise and he has for the most part listened to them all throughout the series.

(2).This is a direct quote from labyrinth, Ludo on being faced with the bog of eternal stench says "smell bad" and it was just so first thing in the morning woken up I had to use it.

(3) Bodies by Drowning Pool

(4) Screamager by Therapy?

(5) this is so not funny if you have to explain it but Asuka is a monthly manga anthology in Japan. I saw it and thought of Yohji.

(6) Light my fire by The Doors

(7) The ultimate double up for dumped people, I swear they must have had this in mind when they were released. Them and country music- the music of pain.


	11. Operation League of Shadows

Title: An Assassin and White Porsche 11?  
Author: Seraphim Grace  
Archive: (eventually),  
Always appreciated and replied to.  
Rating: T  
Pairings: Crawford+Ran Omi+Nagi  
Warnings: none I can think of

* * *

Part 11

Crawford looked at the short Esset minion who had commanded him to meet him in this dark and rather smelly alley. "I'm here." He said. "What do you want? I still haven't been home." In fact he was sorry he wasn't armed, but Bruce Wayne had an almost uncanny eye for someone packing heat, or he would have shot the annoying little minion.

"I have been sent by the elders." The minion said. "To ensure the obedience of Schwartz in plan League of Shadows."

Crawford let out a deep sigh, one that suggested he was past the end of his tether by some way. "No," he answered, "we voted, we're not dressing up in lycra and performing petty crimes to show Batman that Esset are not to be trifled with. It's just embarrassing."

"We have ways of making you obey, Oracle." The minion told him. He opened his jacket and from a fanny pack pulled a miniature DVD player. "I think this will change your mind." He turned the tape on.

"I doubt anything you have will change my mind on this." Crawford was certain that any footage they had of him couldn't be that bad. He was wrong.

He was stood with his feet shoulder distance apart in jeans and a polo shirt, looking much younger but it was obvious it was him. He had one hand on his hip and the other held out, a very young Nagi, who couldn't have been more than five sat at his feet in a pair of furry pyjamas with cat ears and clutching George with all his might, sucking on his floppy ear. Crawford had the terrible feeling that he knew where this was going. "Co-operate and this tape will vanish." The minion said, "no one need ever know it even exists."

"You're bluffing." Crawford said, there was no way someone had footage of him doing that with Nagi, surely not, it was inconcievable.

The minion pushed the play button again and the young Crawford began a litany to the tiny Catboi-Nagi, "I'm a little tea-pot, short and stout."

Crawford steeled himself, "Schwartz is nominally a democracy." He said, "you would have to convince the others."

The minion smirked. The next image was of the same young Crawford sitting with the Catboi-Nagi on his lap, as he made arcane designs on the child's palm "around and round the garden, like a teddy bear."

"Okay," Crawford said flatly, "I'm in,"

"Are you sure you don't need to see Incy Wincie spider, just to make sure?" The minion smirked.

"Are you sure you don't need to see Mr Magnum?" Crawford managed between gritted teeth.

* * *

Across town Schuldig met a different minion in a different, but equally smelly alley. "Shoot." He said, lighting a cigarette and leaning back to lean nonchalantly against a wall.

"Operation League of Shadows must go ahead to plan." The minion told him, his face was lit by the orange glow of his own cigarette.

"Schwarz is nominally a democracy," Schuldig told him plainly. "And we voted against it, this fine body of mine would look awful in skin tight lycra, I'd look like a New Jersey Era Jon Bon Jovi minus the amazing chest hair."

"I think we can change your mind." He said. "We have booked out several of the large screens in Shibuya shopping centre and we can show this." He handed him a sealed manilla envelope.

Schuldig opened it to show a photograph of Schuldig looking like a perfectly ordinary teenager, his face littered with acne and his hair a pale mousy blonde, he had braces on his teeth and he wore a school uniform that was unflattering to everyone and in the most unattractive shade of brown. "Where did you get this?" He asked.

"We are Esset." The minion answered, "we have our ways. We have others."

"I'm in." Schuldig said quietly, "I just want this destroyed, and the negatives."

The minion smirked, "the elders said you would see it our way."

* * *

Farfarello didn't like meeting in alleys so he arranged to meet in a world wide marketed family diner that he believed hurt god. The minion looked rather out of his place with hid fedora and trench coat, where Farfarello was happily slurping on a banana McShake. "Operation League of Shadows must go ahead." The minion said, moving his fries about but without real interest in them.

"We voted against it." Farfarello said, "I've run across Batman before and well, he scares me."

"I think we can change your mind." The minion said sliding a manilla envelope across the table.

"Oh, presents," Farfarello said opening it. The pictures showed a white haired boy with golden eyes kneeling in front of an altar with his hands templed, he wore a golden tie and a medallion. It was a photo of his first communion. "This hurts god!" he managed.

"I'm sure you'd like to keep it under wraps." The minion said, leaning back into the plastic bench and trying to look nonchalant. "

"Okay, I'll do it, just make sure my costume covers my entire face, feck," he swore under his breath, "something like the scarecrow but not enough like the scarecrow that I get mistaken for him, as I said, Batman scares me."

* * *

The next morning at the Koneko a strange parcel arrived for Nagi who watched as Aya opened it cautiously. Nagi didn't get parcels and was excited but Aya was more nervous. It was a shiny saran wrapped box and written in red were the words "Voice Recognition software." Nagi squeed like a fangirl.

"oh my gosh." Nagi said, careful not to swear in front of Aya who truth be told was much stricter than Crawford about such things.

"It must be from Crawford," Aya said darkly, a night of pondering his dilemma had not given him solutions, it had just made him cranky and tired as well as confused. "So you can use your computer better."

"It must be." Nagi enthused. "I've always wanted one of these, Crawford said I couldn't have one because he had had a vision, obviously that I would need it later and he didn't want me to get lazy with my powers."

Little did he know then the real reason that he had been given the voice recognition software and the problems it would raise.

Little did he know then that operation league of shadows was underway and Nagi would be the "controller" because his injuries meant he could not actively participate.


	12. Farts furry jello

Title: An Assassin and White Porsche 12?  
Author: Seraphim Grace  
Archive: (eventually),  
Always appreciated and replied to.  
Rating: T  
Pairings: Crawford+Ran Omi+Nagi  
Warnings: none I can think of

* * *

Nagi removed the disk from the drive and pulled the headset over his ears. Voice recognition software had earned points for being easy to install and having a nice display, it was something he managed to install with one hand as well. He might even recommend this to others.

One hour later, the disk was shattered, the head set in pieces and Nagi was sat in the corner surrounded by floating knives and spoons and threatening everyone who came near him with an emergency splenectomy. Yohji was convinced, though it couldn't be proved, that not only was Prodigy foaming at the mouth but he was muttering VRS sucks.

* * *

Schuldig looked at himself in the mirror and then began swearing in all the languages that he knew. His lycra-kevlar weave body suit was in a royal blue with a bright yellow cape, hood and underpants detail. It did little to hide his scowl or muffle the words "super villain," and "dressed like a pratt," and "like something Hel would wear."

Behind him Farfarello was equally upset. He was wearing a full length yellow cat-suit embroidered with a B for Berserker across his chest in scarlet, that matched his boots and gloves. Where the vast majority of Schuldig's costume was made of the lycra-kevlar it was only the two flaps of his cloak that were. He didn't have a hood so much as a mask that barely covered his eyes. He was sniffling that his outfit hurt god.

Crawford wouldn't come out of the bathroom. However he was heard to say "that's it, we're bringing the Elders down for this.

* * *

Across the city Schreient were also getting dressed for work. Hel had put on a slinky green silk dress trimmed in lace (although Schoen was of the impression it was more suited to sleep in that go to dinner in) Schoen had chosen a rather special, in her opinion, peach coloured dress with a white jacket, Todt had reinterpreted gothic Lolita by making her dress in pastel blue instead of black, and Neu wore a rather well tailored pant suit.

"Ladies, beautiful ladies," Masafumi said meeting them at the door. "Shall we go and meet Mr Wayne, I have high hopes that he will fund my research to," his voice rose as he got more impassioned, "make my self," his arms had started waving, "a god!"

Although Schoen loved and adored Masafumi she sometimes found a small voice in the back of her head repeating "I am Zim!" and sometimes, just sometimes, she wondered if she could do better than this, usually when Hel was preening, Todt whining and Neu sitting perfectly still and rather creeping her out. Nevertheless, the money was good, and apparently Bruce Wayne was quite a catch and she'd never get the chance to meet him if she worked at the university. For the tenth time that day she pondered the job offer that she had received from Dr Muraki, then looked at the other members of Schreient and then Masafumi who had started dribbling again- it was really starting to appeal.

Human cloning couldn't be that controversial could it, the pay was better. She looked at Hel preening in the mirror, smoothing the silk over her curves with a mutter of "damn I'm pretty". She didn't have that much longer on her contract anyway.

* * *

Crawford had finally left the bathroom after the other two had broken down the door and dragged him out, though he had clung to the door frame by his fingernails.

"I don't know what you're whining about," Schuldig said looking him up and down, "I think it looks hot." He was wearing a red breastplate over a pair of smoke grey hakama and a thick black cloak of the heavy kevlar weave that went up over his head. He also had a full face white mask of the fabric with lenses over his eyes. "And it covers your entire face, no one will know it's you."

"It could be worse," Farfarello offered, "you could be dressed like me."

"Lets get this over and done with." Crawford said, slipping his magnum into his obi, "Weiss gets to dress up in kevlar and it makes them look fine, I dress up in Kevlar and I look like something out of dungeons and dragons."

"Maybe someone in Esset has a thing for old cartoons." Schuldig offered.

"After this, we're bringing down the elders." Crawford said, "all our plans from now on are centred on that end."

* * *

In Switzerland two old men and one old lady looked at the pictures that Schwartz had taken to prove that they had worn the costumes and laughed. Hard. In fact one of them was pointing at the screen with one hand and the other was wrapped around his waist. Some jokes, he thought as he howled with laughter, preparing to send them to the Evil Incorporated intranet, never get old.

* * *

Omi had finally managed to run the gauntlet of flying cutlery to get close to Nagi and put his good arm around him, "spell," he said forlornly. "spell." He repeated.

"There there," Omi said softly, "now tell me all about it."

"I wanted to teach it a word and the manual said to say spell and then spell it out and it didn't, it just kept typing pelts. So I thought that maybe it was just me so I tried really hard to get a really clear accent and it still came out pelts, and then Yohji walked past and it wrote down everything he said perfectly but it couldn't understand me and…"

"Shush," Omi murmured, "it's alright, I'll uninstall it for you."

"And it thought schwartz was warts!" Omi had to swallow the laugh at that, "and the Oracle was cull." Omi bit his lips firmly.

"And what about Farfarello?" He asked.

"Farts furry jello!" Nagi wailed. "It said I was Naggy now." Omi started patting his hair, "but it managed to interpret Yohji's complaints that Ken was using his goop in the loo." He looked genuinely forlorn, "and it wouldn't use a full stop, every time I tried it wrote stop, but when I wanted to write stop it put in a period, and" he stopped, "new paragraph!" he complained.

"It's all right," Omi said softly, "it's all right."

"Hey Kiddo," Yohji said putting his head around the door, a knife whizzed at his head, "Tim's here to see you." The rest of the cutlery embedded itself in the door frame, "you're going to have to work on your aim there, Kiddo, anybody would think you were trying to hit me." Yohji said closing the door behind him.

"Kill me." Nagi said forlornly, "just kill me now."


	13. More knives than a ginza factory

Title: An Assassin and White Porsche 13?  
Author: Seraphim Grace  
Archive: (eventually),  
Always appreciated and replied to.  
Rating: T  
Pairings: Crawford+Ran Omi+Nagi  
Warnings: none I can think of

I got Schoen and Hel confused in the last chapter, It's Hel that wants to go work for Muraki, not Schoen, Schoen is the blonde model apparently. It's been amended on the website, but I thought I'd let you know being as no one pointed it out to me until I reread it and realised I had them the wrong way around.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Okay," Crawford said from the back of the car, glad of the tinted windows that offered them some privacy. "According to the brief the Elders gave us, we need to be photographed in at least two acts of independent criminal intent in these costumes. Therefore I've worked it out, we'll rob this bank tonight, and then tomorrow we'll burn down a Starbucks or something. Just make sure you appear on the camera, I'm looking at you here, Berserker."

"What?" Farfarello said looking innocent.

"If we do this right," Schuldig said, "we can be in, out and home in normal clothes in half an hour." They looked around before taking a deep breath. "There's no one inside, just go in, make sure we're on camera, go home. They have a Werner Herzog horror movie marathon on tonight that I don't want to miss."

"Ooh," Farfarello said, "Klaus Kinski hurts god. Come on, Crawford, soonest done soonest home."

"I can't believe we're doing this." Crawford lamented into his facemask. "We're super villains, we don't rob banks."

"They have close circuit security." Schuldig said, "and no one can tell it's us. In out and we'll be home in twenty minutes."

"We can make the elders suffer for this." Farfarello said patting him on the arm in condolence. "I have every intention of making balloon animals with their lower intestines and shoes from their spleens."

Crawford looked at him and then moved a space down on the car seat quite obviously. He took a deep breath, "Let's do this."

"Alright with him everything is?" Tim asked as he looked at Nagi who was lying across the sofa with his head in Omi's lap. Omi was calmly stroking his hair as Nagi made unintelligible noises.

"Commercial voice recognition software." Omi said quietly.

Tim dragged his breath in through his teeth. "Ice cream would like you, ne?" He asked encouragingly. "With sprinkles and thousands of days and topping cherry. Voice recognition software bought me for Bruce, mad thought I'd go. Understanding me. Hacked for friend, work fine now. Still not recognise word some better but." He looked around. "Naru where?"

"Getting us some dinner." Omi answered, amazed he could understand what Tim told him. "We're having pizza."

"Japanese food?"

"No, you damn American idiot!" Nagi snarled, "we're having pizza, not Japanese food, not pizza with Japanese food on top, we're having four cheese pizza with soda." He was sat up and his eyes were blazing, behind him all the knick knacks on Omi's shelves were levitating. He looked rather frightening.

"Naoe." Omi said softly, "he means well."

"He's still an idiot." Nagi answered.

"He can't be." Omi was quietly placating, "he's learnt Japanese in a week."

"Badly." Naru said from the door, "Now let's all forget this animosity and have pizza."

They broke into the bank with little fuss and made sure to stand directly in front of the cameras as they tried the drawers they knew were empty. "Stop there, evil doer." A voice said from the shadows.

Schuldig swore "scheisse." He turned around in a flourish of bright yellow cape, "we couldn't rob the first bank of Japan, oh no we have to rob the one protected by some cut price superhero."

"Hey," Nightwing, for it was he, protested, "I'm hardly cut price."

"But you're not Batman, are you?" Schuldig answered, "For crying out loud you're not even as famous as Robin."

"I was Robin." Nightwing muttered under his breath.

"Oh no, being international super-villains aside we don't get stopped by members of the justice league or even the teen titans."

"I was a founding member of the teen titans." Nightwing protested.

"We get caught by some man in an all in one."

"Says Bananaman." Nightwing snapped at him, "Who appears to have gone on a crime spree with the most embarrassed man in crime and Batfink."

"We are being forced to wear these costumes." Crawford said dryly, "What's your excuse?"

Nightwing seemed at a loss for words at that, though he might have mumbled, "thought I looked good, showed off my ass really well."

"Hey, Oracle." Schuldig said in Crawford's head, "this guy's got intentions towards Aya."

Crawford answered calmly. "Berserker, kill him." Farfarello smiled.

"Stop there." A second voice said.

"For crying out loud." Crawford snapped, really missing his magnum. It was at times like these he really wanted to shoot someone. Perhaps that was why the Elders had requested, rather firmly, that he leave his magnum behind. "Look, this was supposed to be in and out and home in time for the Werner Herzog marathon on channel 9. Berserker, kill the American idiot."

The rescuer grabbed Nightwing by the shoulder, "come on."

"I've done this before." Nightwing informed him, "I have my own plethora of villains I defeat on a regular basis."

"They will kill you." Hissed the shadow, who was wearing a very similar outfit.

"And Lady Vic, Blockbuster and Brutale don't try?"

"No," snapped the shadow as the run, "they make it look like they try because if they manage to kill you they're out of a job."

Nightwing gave this some thought. "I am one of the most skilled martial artists in the justice league."

"And he has more knives than a Ginza factory, come on."

On the rooftops, the shadow looked around. "I think we've lost them." He said. "And Oracle's right, you are an American idiot. Why do you people always assume you're invulnerable?"

Nightwing silenced him with a kiss.

Aya pulled back spluttering. "What? How? What?" Then he slapped him with an open fist causing him to stumble backwards. "Who do you think I am? Catwoman? I am Shiroi Tsubasa and I'm more than capable of taking you out myself."

"Aya, wait." Nightwing said, pulling off his mask, "It's me, Dick."

"Well, duh." Aya answered, "Oh, you're wearing a tiny mask," he said very sarcastically, "I can't recognise someone who has been trying to be my shadow for days. I will utterly not be able to recognise his voice, or his build, or the rest of the face that I can see."

"It works in America." Dick grumbled.

"So does AOL's marketing." Aya snapped.

"I really like you." Dick answered.

"I have a boyfriend."

"Who is cheating on you."

"According to you."

"I saw it with my own eyes, he was with a woman." Dick protested. "I wouldn't wish that on anyone, especially you." He took a step forward. "You are the most beautiful person I have ever seen, and I've seen princesses from other worlds whose fire could stop the human heart." Aya, unfortunately, was not immune to flattery when it was well given, Yohji could be a little crass but this was like a cross between Yohji's flirting and Crawford's intelligent conversation. It had its own appeal; he had to admit. "I really like you, Aya, I'd really like it if you would come back to the 'Haven with me."

"What's that your super secret superhero hide out?" Aya was slipping but he was still angry.

Dick burst out laughing. "No," he said, "Bludhaven, it's where I live."

"I can't." Aya said firmly, "I have," he paused looking for the right word, "obligations here."

"We'll be going back soon," Dick said, "I don't want to have to leave you. We have a lot in common, you and I, even costumes." He offered a wry grin at that.

"We're very different." Aya told him bluntly. "And I have a boyfriend and I'm not going to scalp him just on your word. If he is cheating on me, then we'll talk, but not before." He turned to Nightwing. "Now, do you need a lift back to the hotel?"


End file.
